What’s Half A Century Between Friends? Everything.

“She is a friend of my mind. She gather me, man. The pieces I am, she gather them and give them back to me in all the right order. It’s good, you know, when you got a woman who is a friend of your mind.” – Toni Morrison, Beloved.
“Mother Judy we called you. You always had the answers about life. You were smarter …” Sally spoke casually, stating what to her had remained obvious but unsaid for half a century. Stunned, I marveled at her words. I, gawky, all-legs at 19. Secretly shy around blue-eyed preppy college boys who drank too much beer. I, longing for New York in Waterville, Maine, found myself under stimulated by the Colby scene, save glorious harmonizing, Comparative Philosophy, and sister level friendships with Barbara with Doris, and yes, with Sally Berry.
At 18, Sally sparkled. Blond curls requiring no primping framed her Wedgewood blue eyes. Envious, I struggled with brown kinky hair that refused to behave in a wet climate. It was a privilege to live next door to Shirley Temple. Sally had not yet come into her obvious wisdom, but her joie de vivre matched mine. Our friendship was less about depth and more about joy. Joy sufficed.
I slurped up New York and Europe as soon as I could grab my BA. I had no thought of return to Colby until curiosity about a 50th reunion drove me to attend last June. And suddenly there was Sally, sporting a genteel newish husband named Rich, and burbling about her second career as a juried plein air artist who lives in California sunshine. Shirley Temple was trending toward Betty White, but effervescent and compelling as ever. So, when I was heading to California recently to train colleagues,
I emailed Sally. She and Rich and I packed picnic gear and headed to Carmel in their shiny new pickup truck with Sally at the wheel. Within minutes we were laughing and reminding each other of events that shaped both lives for the next 50 years.
The impact of reviewing long seemingly forgotten life episodes during these most formative of years was immense: I could begin to see myself as Sally saw me. Suddenly, later life choices made sense in light of the impression Sally reported about knowing me at age 18. And, although much of undergraduate college had seemed like a poor investment in my future, the social polishing I sought and achieved at college allowed me to overcome the shyness that had plagued my early years and gave others the chance to see me as I am inside. With help from my good friend Sally I could understand the strength that others saw before I did.
Renewing a friendship after half a century aroused my curiosity about what research tells us about friendship. Gallup Polls has taken an interest in our friendships because they are necessary for life and health. Social isolation is one of the dangers in old age, for example. Gallup Organization’s director, Tom Rath, wrote “Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford To Live Without” and designed research on how we make friends and the roles they play in our lives. He discusses social isolation as a devastating existence that can cause others to overeat, lost jobs, even become homeless.
Being without friends is dangerous. If your best friend eats healthily, you are five times more likely to have a healthy diet yourself. Married people say friendship is more than five times as important as physical intimacy within marriage. Those who say they have no real friends at work have only a one in 12 chance of feeling engaged in their job. Conversely, if you have a “best friend at work,” you are seven times more likely to feel engaged in your job.
Roth suggests a friendship audit to recognize which roles your friends play in your life. This enables you to sharpen each friendship in line with its strength. The audit can be taken in relation to each friendship. Roth discusses eight ways to be a friend. A friend can act as a:
• Builder who motivates you
• Champion who sings your praises
• Collaborator who has similar interests and passions
• Companion who is always there for you
• Connector, who introduces you to others and widens your circle
• Energizer who always gives you a boost and makes you laugh
• Mind opener who expands your horizons and embraces new ideas
• Navigator who helps you make decisions
To Consider: As you ponder your life long friends, who comes to mind? Which roles have they played in your life? What to you want them to know about you? Have you told them? Why not?
To Read: Tom Rath. Vital Friends: The People You Can’t Afford to Live Without. Gallup Press. 2006
Dr. Judith Coche is a Professional Navigator who is trained as a Clinical Psychologist. She is owner of The Coche Center, LLC, a Practice in Clinical Psychology in Rittenhouse Square and Stone Harbor. Find her at www.cochecenter.com.