Thursday, July 10, 2025

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Chinese Water torture seems harmless enough at first. Victims are held motionless while water is slowly dripped on the forehead. But the drop of water is randomly timed, so the victim feels intense internal conflict from feeling simultaneously safe and guarded. Similarly, living with someone who bellows or curses in a random but chronic pattern is a form of invisible emotional Chinese water torture. We all know people who live with the Chinese water torture of emotional abuse. Like Shannon and Jake.
Shannon and Jake fell into emotionally abusive patterns and their kids were inadvertently impacted. Nobody did it on purpose. Nobody meant it to happen. But it needed to be changed. However, as so often happens when people are unaccustomed to taking charge of psychological change, Jake refused to come in for needed changes. I helped Shannon change her part in the pattern without his presence. Shannon was diligent in influencing a change for the better for both through her own work. One person can move mountains in a marriage.
Shannon, 48, is the founder The Gift Lady, an Internet business that provided most of the financial support for her family for the last 15 years. Jake is a large teddy bear of a guy with a reputation as a great professional handy man. Summer residents love Jake. He could have expanded into a year-round business, but he maintains loudly that he deserves a break in “Off season,” which he defines as seven months annually. When Shannon gets resentful about needing to earn so
Pity, since Shannon married Jake in part to enjoy the large, comforting expanse of his body next to hers. She withdrew to the guest room during a fight about Christmas money in 2007. At first she crept back in the mornings to cuddle, but even that waned with time. At times she ached for his body. But the worst of it was Jake’s loud cursing at her with guttural, harsh-sounding strings of consonants in Polish, his first language.
The kids asked him to stop peppering dinner with Polish cursing, but he countered, “You can’t understand the meaning,” and refused to listen.
Shannon needed to stop the abusive screaming and sexual neglect but did not want to divorce. Shannon’s sister reported chronic rage in both of them. The Chinese water torture of the amalgam of Jake’s Polish cursing and Shannon’s nonverbal contempt created an emotional environment in which sex was unthinkable. Shannon and Jake fell to two bad habits, which they are now repairing through the work Shannon is doing. Here is a quick summary of these abusive situations and their repairs.
1. Withholding: Shannon withheld herself from Jake through silence, mistrust, and emotionally closing down. It felt to him like “the silent treatment.”
The repair: Jake could quietly say “I can’t be with you when you pull away so let me know when you are ready to talk.” Since he was not in my office to learn this skill, Shannon has learned to disengage when he curses. If needed, she leaves the room when he curses, saying, “Let me know when you feel calm and I will return.” This has really helped Jake have the time he needs before he re-engages with Shannon. It has helped Shannon be in charge of herself, which feels great.
2. Abusive anger: Jake had allowed his angry outbursts to be loud, harsh and free flowing until it became a tirade of aggression in Polish.
The repair: When Jake rages, Shannon pictures him as a boy having a temper tantrum. She refuses to engage at the level of the tantrum. Instead, she says, “Please stop. Please calm down and speak to me respectfully.” Until Jake can do that, Shannon disengages quietly. She does not insult.
Her quiet management of the situation has really helped it feel safe between them.
Shannon and Jake are changing. She has moved back into their bed. Jake rarely curses in Polish, and if he does, he curses under his breath. The kids feel safer. Things are getting better.
To, think About: Despite best intentions, we all get involved in emotionally abusive relationships. Think about how you can fight inadvertent abuse between you and someone you love. Be gentle and assertive: the power of being firm is measured by the competence in your voice, not the loudness.
To Read: Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. 1992, Adam’s Media Company, Holbrook, Massachusetts.
(Coche of Stone Harbor educates the public in mental health issues. She can be reached at jmcoche@gmail.com or 215-859-1050.)