About a decade ago, I had a hip reconstructive surgery. Since then, I’ve had the occasional flair up of pain and a little bit of arthritis, but nothing major, nothing I couldn’t handle. This past couple of months, my hip has started deteriorating drastically.
During the first semester, I could walk laps around Villanova’s relatively smaller campus without feeling that deep ache start to step in. Now, even just walking around my dorm seems like a feat too large to handle.
When this pain started, my whole life paused. Suddenly, I refrained from going on day trips to Philly, knowing I’d never be able to keep up with the pack. I stopped going to my club meetings at night; had no desire to leave my dorm. I lost the ability to walk to and from classes, too scared that every eye was watching me hobble down the walkways. I was forced to live my life according to a shuttle schedule. The times that I looked forward to, like those club meetings and spending time with my friends, started becoming fewer and fewer, feeling almost nonexistent. My whole college career flipped upside down in the matter of a few weeks.
During spring break, I took advantage of being home and went to an orthopedic doctor to see what my options were. Hope led me through the doors of the office, but the lump in my throat had me running (or limping) back to my car. The doctor gave me very little advice other than a regular regiment of cortisone shots for pain and a prayer that I could hold off on a hip replacement for another ten years. And sitting in my car in the parking lot, all I could think was that I couldn’t do another 10 years of this: 10 years of choking down excruciating pain, 10 years of saying “No, I can’t,” to plans with friends, 10 years of biding my time and putting my life on hold.
Initially, I wasted a lot of time moping. Having acute pain sucks, but living with chronic pain makes even existing feel impossible. As awful as it’s been, it’s changed my entire world view and I am finally starting to take back control of my life.
Just last week, I agreed to go to the Philadelphia Flower Show with some friends, forcing myself to walk through the pain and forget about it for a while. I have never been more thankful to have the friendships that I’ve made at Villanova. It’s like my friends knew just how much walking I could take before I needed a rest.
Thinking back on it, they probably saw how bad my limp had gotten and decided it’d be a good time to find a bench. And while I felt endlessly guilty for being the one to slow down the group, not one of them seemed resentful or upset at having to wait. I am forever grateful.
As rough as this last semester has been, it’s also been a pretty eye-opening experience. I never realized just how much I took advantage of being pain-free. It’s a lot like breathing; you’re never thankful for the air because you never really have to go without it. And for the first time in my life, I felt like I couldn’t breathe this semester. But thankfully, the people in my life are a breath of fresh air, pushing me to embrace the pain if it means still getting to live my life.
Manyak, a local of Cape May for all 18 years of her life, is a graduate of Lower Cape May Regional High School. She is in her freshman year at Villanova University as English major.
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