It wasn’t until I stood in my truth and told everybody that I had $250,000 in credit card debt. At that point, everything turned around for me. I had to reveal the truth about what I didn’t have, more than pretend about what I did. – Suze Orman
At 36, Grace has finally achieved a financial even-keel in her life; she has a comfortable one bedroom apartment, can afford to buy her hand-squeezed orange juice, and has leased a modest car so she can have fun on weekends. It has been a long haul; on her own financially since age 22, she found it hard to get a job that satisfied her creativity, so she set up a small freelance graphics business that did not earn enough for her comforts. Borrowing small amounts each year from her mother, Grace slowly amassed first 10,000, then 20,000 dollars of credit card debt on her mother’s account. Her mother, unable to deny her daughter the funds she needed, got angrier and angrier so, as part of her treatment, Grace decided to get a handle on the debt.
Working in her therapy group, Grace felt deeply ambivalent about buying her mother an expensive gift. “I still have $27,700 in debt left to pay back my mother in full. She is so resentful that it hurts. I never meant to do this to her or to me. It will be years before I can pay her back, and the guilt is overwhelming!”
Jon, a graduate student getting his Masters in positive psychology at the University of Pennsylvania, was especially tuned in to Grace. Just about her age, he had moved beyond a teaching job to gather solid knowledge about how to make life work best for himself and others. “I’ve been reviewing some of the research on the science of giving, and I thought of a way to give your mom something of yourself without spending too much. All you really need is your cell phone full of photos and an hour and, for under $25 you could make her a book of photos about how much you love her. What do you think?”
Amanda broke in. “Jon, that is brilliant! It makes me feel good to give but I hate paying the cards for the months after the holidays. Grace, you can do this!”
Grace looked interested. “I have been meaning to try this and, yes, I can give it a try. Thanks for thinking of it. This group is terrific!”
This year Amanda and Grace can benefit from the research on how giving creates both good will and personal joy. Here, some highlights:
- Giving makes us feel happy. Happiness expert Sonya Lyubomirsky, reports that giving to charity activates regions of the brain associated with pleasure, social connection, and trust, creating a “warm glow” effect. Scientists also believe that altruistic behavior produces the positive feeling known as the “helper’s high.”
- Giving is good for our health. In his book “Why Good Things Happen to Good People,” Stephen Post reports that giving to others has been shown to increase health benefits in people with chronic illness, including HIV and multiple sclerosis. Giving helps decrease stress.
- When you give, you’re more likely to get back. Research suggests that the generosity of giving to others is likely to be rewarded by the person you gave to, sometimes by someone else. Giving promotes generosity of spirit. Promoting positive social interactions is central to good mental and physical health. “Being kind and generous leads you to perceive others more positively and more charitably,” writes Lyubomirsky in her book “The How of Happiness,” and this “fosters a heightened sense of interdependence and cooperation in your social community.”
- Giving is contagious. When we give, we don’t only help the immediate recipient of our gift. We also spur a ripple effect of generosity through our community. Because giving to others catches on among those who receive, each person in a giving network can influence dozens or even hundreds of people. Giving has also been linked to the release of oxytocin, a hormone that induces feelings of warmth, euphoria, and connection to others.
This winter, whether you buy gifts, volunteer your time, or donate money to charity, giving of yourself to others may just build stronger social connections and even jumpstart a cascade of generosity through your community. And, as Jon suggests, you are likely to experience the gift of personal happiness when that happens.
To Consider: How can my energies benefit those who mean the most this holiday season? Do I dare make others happy? Why? Why not?
To read: “The How of Happiness.” Sonya Lyubomirsky.
Dr. Judith Coche can be found helping clients live optimal lives in Stone Harbor and at Rittenhouse Square. Contact her through The Coche Center, LLC, at www.cocheccenter.com.
