Do You Know Any Masterful Couples?

As John Anderson and I approached our 25th-wedding anniversary Jan. 1, I felt especially happy about the state called matrimony. I found myself reminiscing about the hundreds of couples I’ve helped transform their lives in my day job as a Clinical Psychologist.
I am an interpersonal architect. I help people rearrange the space between them so it works better.
How many deeply skillful couples do you know? After half a century of my own two marriages to very different but equally smart, funny and loving men, I recognize and admire couples who are deeply skillful in partnering.
What makes a couple masterful at coupling? When I think of the successful couples, I feel convinced that the chemistry between them is what bonds them to one another over time. Intimacy is mostly non-verbal; it has to feel right.
 I agree with Dr. John Gottman, successful coupling engages the interpersonal chemistry between the partners. He suggests that there is a “lock-in-key” fit between the partners that are unmistakable. 
Unlike business relationships that rely on skillful and patient interchanges for long-term teaming, in partnered love nothing works unless the emotional attraction is both genuine and strong for both partners. 
Chemistry attracts partners to each other, but the real deal of lifelong intimacy relies on how skillfully partners invest in and master key coupling skills. Needed skills include active listening, emotional intelligence, negotiation skills, and interpersonal problem-solving.
I met Erich before he had completed his Ph.D. in Clinical Psychology. We went on to practice in Stone Harbor and Philadelphia, and to teach at the University of Pennsylvania, where I still teach today.
One day, a few years after we met, we decided that we simply had to marry, even though this meant that I would learn German and live in Germany until he got his Ph.D. when he would change countries and move to Philadelphia to be with me.
A quarter of a century later, when a cancerous nightmare called malignant melanoma took his life, I assumed it would be a long time before I would meet anyone that had the power to engage me as Erich had. But to my amazement, meeting John Edward Anderson less than three years after Erich’s death, convinced me of the power of the human heart to find its way.
Nine days short of three years after Erich died at 49, I remarried John Anderson.
The hours I met each of these men, Erich Coche in 1965, and John Anderson in 1993, are among the most intense of my long life’s moments.  Each meeting created an awakening fascination in the man I had just met. 
“Who is this person?” I asked myself after meeting first Erich, and years later, John.  “How can I feel this comfortable and energized by someone I hardly know? I must get to know him.”
But could I trust my sense of how magical this meeting was? Now, after 25 years of marriage to each man, I know that I was correct to trust my gut as a moment to know each man better.  
Dr. Gottman and I agree that masters of marriage are genuinely interested in each other and want each other to pursue their life dreams. They are skillful enough to approach their disagreements with a soft voice and respectful attitude. And they go out of their way to express their fondness and affection for each other both verbally and physically.
I created three questions to help you assess your skill level in coupling.
1.    When my life dreams differ from those of my partner, how do I handle the discrepancy between our dreams? Am I fair in sharing or do I try to get my way most of the time?
2.    Am I able to remain gentle and respectful even when my temper is short, and I am impatient with my partner?
3.    Do I remain delighted to connect with my partner even when we disagree?
To consider: How does my relationship compare with that of the masters?  How might I improve it in the coming year?
To read: Why Do Fools Fall in Love? Janice Levine and Howard Markman. Jossey Bass. San Francisco 2001
Dr. Coche practices clinical psychology in Stone Harbor and Philadelphia. She invites responses through her website, www.cochecenter.com