My office phone rang twice in a row, indicating an emergency call. Carla was in shock from the news that her delightful husband John had died suddenly in a car crash. A truck had rammed into his car and he was instantly killed.
Carla was panicked for her two young children and for herself. “I am just lost. I miss John every minute. He was such a noodle…you just had to love him. And, at 41, he was just too young to die.”
We spoke a bit about the circumstances and arranged a time for her to come in.
Carla could not stomach the idea of doing Labor Day this year…” I can’t do it…I mean we would be out on the boat and singing and….” Her voice cracked, but she continued. “I know John is counting on me to make life okay for our kids. They are lost without him. He would tell me to go out on the boat with my brother and his family but I know I’m afraid I can’t handle it. What do you think I should do?” Carla’s grief was raw and fresh, and she posed a gigantic question.
We met the next week and worked out a day with the pancakes Daddy loved, followed by a quick trip to the beach, where the kids could let loose. The afternoon plan was to do the boat ride and a picnic with Carla’s brother and his family, who owned a boat and could host the grieving family. Carla combined some familiar traditions with new ones, and she said that felt right.
Holidays are really tough when somebody has died. These holidays punctuate each summer, providing a challenge for families who are mourning the death of a Mom or Dad, a grandparent, a child of any age, or a dog.
Those in mourning experience a huge gap between how happy they would like to be and how crushed they feel. The rawness of the feelings can quickly surface at the sound of a familiar holiday song or the feel of the cheek of a loved one.
Research tells us that those who combine emotional grieving with getting on with life and performing needed tasks, grieve in a more balanced way. And those who embrace spirituality or religion use this as an anchor to get through tough days and impossible nights. The balance between moving on, holding to one’s beliefs, and allowing grief to surface is the optimal combination.
Like Carla, if you have to get through Labor Day after a sudden or recent loss, here are some ideas:
• Talk honestly. It helps to hear yourself say out loud that this is really a challenging time.
• Find a buddy. Being alone while others are making merry together is hard.
• Plan ahead. Decide what you want to do this Labor Day and whom you want to be with.
• Combine new and old traditions. It can help to do something that evokes fewer raw memories.
• Savor the memories. Set aside time to savor experiences with the person you lost. It helps to channel sad feelings.
• Respect your body. You will get tired easily. Grief is exhausting.
• Bond around your loved ones. Join in their delight in the hoop-la.
Dr. Elizabeth Kubler Ross was an expert who helped us all understand the universal human state of grieving the loss of a loved one.
She reminds us of the need to live each day fully as the best antidote to the inevitability of death for each of us.
By living life fully we reduce the likelihood that, at the end of our life, we will regret that we have wasted our time on earth. Kubler-Ross also advises us that we will never stop grieving the loss of a loved one. Instead, we heal around the loss, which can enable us to live a fuller life from that point on.
In this way, by including thoughts of her deceased husband, Carol can integrate her love of him into summer holidays from this point on. As the rawness fades, the glow of past love can continue to augment the specialness of the holiday for her family.
Many of us think our central job as adults is to help those we love enjoy their own futures as independent people.
And, on this Labor Day, what could be more special?
To consider: Can I reach out to someone who is suffering a loss this Labor Day? How?
To read: Tunnel and the Light: Essential Insights on Living and Dying by M.D. Elisabeth Kubler-Ross M.D. 1999. This series of lectures introduces useful ideas on how to deal with loss after life, and with living life to the fullest.
Dr. Judith Coche helps clients deal with loss as part of the work at The Coche Center, LLC, a practice in Clinical Psychology in Rittenhouse Square and Stone Harbor. Find her at www.cochecenter.com
Villas – Look what happened on Jan 6 th with Trump, I do not blame’ Michelle Obama for not coming! You cannot trust his allies for it to be a calm day, for her safety she is safer at home.
