A Couple of Vacation Disasters

I work daily to improve marriages and strengthen families.
It still surprises me that we expect to have a vacation be fun. We foresee lightness, sunshine, and a personal “day at the beach.”
Each year, couples spend thousands of dollars reviewing “what went wrong” in their week at the beach, as part of the couple’s work they do to make marriage all it can be. I find the same concerns, as couples reproduce the same vacation disasters.
Here is a list of three couples’ vacation disasters and how you can prevent them:
1. “I deserve it.” Overspending is the most frequent disaster. Sadly, one person often knows it is occurring and tries to stop.
If the wife tries to stop the husband from going on a fishing trip with money intended for the kid’s braces, she is told, “but I wait all year for this.  Can’t a guy have a little fun?” I spent three hours recently on a teddy bear, purchased locally for over $200, by a woman who earns less than $30,000 and has two children.
The husband was beyond irate and gave up. The resentment caused by vacation spending lasts long past the trip, and the summer.
The fix? The counterparts agree at the time of booking the hotel or cottage that they will limit “vacation spending” to XXXX dollars.
Does it work?  Yes.
2.“We haven’t had sex in 28 hours.” Adults have a range of appetites for sex. Some want it daily, regardless of age. Others want it rarely, regardless of partner. 
In most couples, one partner wants sex more frequently than the other, regardless of gender. Sometimes the woman wants lots of cuddles, and sexy play at the beach, but sometimes the man wants to stay inside and make it a night.
When the partner who wants more sex thinks that vacation means that sex is free and plentiful, the vacation turns into a nasty game of cat and mouse.  One partner nags the other, imposes guilt trips, and makes life unbearable for someone who does not want to dance the night away or enjoy the privacy of a rented house.
The fix? Each member of the couple assumes that sex is as usual unless the less interested partner volunteers otherwise. 
Does it work? Yes.
3. “Stop nagging me to put on that goop.” Partners always know what their counterpart needs. After all, they live with them. They know when someone needs to stop getting double ice cream cones, wear high SPF cream on a boat, drive within the speed limit, wear a helmet when biking, and get up earlier to exercise.
When a partner takes vacation time to “remind” their honey how to live life better, they deserve the glares, pouts, and withdrawal that they get. One woman repeatedly ordered her husband to put on gooey high SPF cream she purchased before he rented a boat for the day. She actually stood, cream in hand, and looked at him menacingly until he took off his shirt and allowed his back to become sticky and sweaty from her application of the cream. 
He glowered, but it did no good. He finally said “sure” and tried to forget the episode, until the next morning.
He finally vowed never to go near a beach with her again. Was it worth it?  Nope. 
The fix? Poor habits happen on vacation with us. Your vacation is not the time for partner repair. Does it work? Yes.
We know that marriage thrives when we enjoy our partner at least five times as often as we feel angry and resentful at them. We know that resentment breeds contempt, and that contempt breeds divorce.  Please take your good sense to the beach this year.
ED. NOTE: Dr. Judith Coche practices clinical psychology in Stone Harbor and Philadelphia. She invites responses through her website, www.cochecenter.com.