There’s just so much that can go wrong during Thanksgiving, which happens to be my favorite holiday because it is almost completely divorced from consumerism.
I know, you gotta buy and consume food, but Big Shopping hasn’t figured out how to sell little trinkets yet and there isn’t even a good mascot like Santa. Listen to me: Keep it drama-free.
- Wait to get your interesting haircut until after Thanksgiving. I’m about to go from bleach-blonde to black. My dollar store 8-ball says it’s the right thing to do, but I don’t feel like fielding questions about it. No, Uncle, it doesn’t signal something about my beliefs other than my belief in looking hot. No, Grandma, I didn’t get it done professionally. Reader: I support your change to pink hair but even if you look awesome in it your great-grandfather, born before the internet and the Ford assembly line, might not be able to handle it. Anyway, save it for Christmas.
- Don’t wing the thanks! The Hall house has a tradition: We go around the table before digging into the meal, and every person has a chance to say something they’re thankful for. Most years I forget to think of something in advance and say something lame like “family” or “the chance to be here.” Those things are true but make me seem a little checked-out. Now’s your time to show your unique perspective on thankfulness that none of these other guys has. Shake it up! Prepare your answer!
- Make them explain the crazy political stuff! There are many times when a family member starts talking about some crazy political thing, and at the end of their rant, looks to me like: You agree, yeah? I’ve found a great response is this: “I don’t really know what you’re talking about. Can you explain?” If it’s something crazy you can just keep going “I don’t understand…”
- You aren’t an agent of the Republican or Democratic party. The two-party system we’ve got in this great nation makes people feel like they can ask regular folks like me to defend anything the “other” side does. It’s OK to just say: I don’t know about all that going on in California, I live in New Jersey… Just because one guy said one thing one time doesn’t mean that’s the new truth every card-carrying member of the party has to answer. My lips are sealed!
- Shut up about weight! Good lord, please don’t comment on people’s weight, because sometimes compliments sound like twisted insults. I’ve struggled with my self-image, and family members saying stuff like “Oh, you look so skinny” and “Wow, buddy, your hair looks good this year” makes me think about how in the past maybe my family thought I looked bad. Just tell everyone they look amazing!
- Help your loved ones feel hot. Pick out a specific piece of clothing someone is wearing and say you like it. It’s such a classic trick. Wow, those shoes look great with your top. That bolo tie really makes your eyes pop.
- OK, sometimes drama is fun. You get one crude joke, but it best be funny. Nothing worse than a joke that is both offensive and unfunny. If you’re gonna say the F-word (fart) at the Thanksgiving table, it’d better be funny.
Shore Musings is a column about life on the Shore – the good and the bad.
Contact the reporter, Collin Hall, at chall@cmcherald.com or 609-886-8600, ext. 156.
