Afflictions, Grief Test Mother’s Mettle

NORTH WILDWOOD – In the Bible there is a story about a righteous man, Job, whose life was peaceful, prosperous and well lived. He loved God and followed His commands. Then without warning catastrophe struck and he lost everything – children, possessions and even his reputation in the community.
Job has become a byword for fidelity to God and patience in the face of great suffering. No one could blame Kellyann Tolomeo if she felt like a present day Job.
In the space of a few short years Tolomeo has lived through her husband’s stroke, which left him unable to speak and subject to seizures, the death of her father, and last year, her mother, and most crushing of all the suicide of her youngest daughter, Christina, three years ago. 
The Herald visited Tolomeo at her North Wildwood home to find out how she has managed to survive and overcome such tragedy in so short a time. Her husband Joseph is home as are two of her grown children Shawn, 31, and Tara, 24. They have the same blue eyes as their mother. We sat at the kitchen table and talked.
Kellyann Tolomeo was born Kellyann Sullivan in the Grey’s Ferry section of Philadelphia. She gave birth to her four children there, in addition to Shawn, Tara and Christina she has a son named Joseph, 28, and a grandson Joseph, 3.
In 1998 the Tolomeos relocated to the shore community where they had vacationed for many years.
Joe became active in local politics and Kellyann worked as an aide at Margaret Mace School.
“I enjoy kids and working with the community,” she said.
Then in 2001, her husband, who was still making the daily commute to Philadelphia where he worked as a truck driver, suffered a stroke. It was the first in a series of blows that would strike over the next few years.
“It was Mayor (Aldo) Palumbo who suggested I step into my husband’s shoes, politically speaking,” she explained. So she did.
Tolomeo always believed in working with and for her community wherever she was living. In Philadelphia she was active in her parish, St. Gabriel’s, volunteering and helping with the school and seniors.
It was a natural transition to transfer that commitment to her new hometown at the Jersey shore.
“Whatever happens I kind of deal with it,” she stated. That spirit of service paid off when she was elected to serve on North Wildwood’s City Council.
After her husband’s stroke there would be more heartache. By far the worst was the death of her youngest child, Christina, at age 23. Christina was smart, beautiful, and full of life and well liked among her friends.
She had recently completed her third year of college at Wesley across the bay in Delaware. It was a warm July night. The family had enjoyed each other’s company playing cards. Christina went to bed and sometime in the middle of the night killed herself.
No note was found and no one, not family or friends, had recognized any overt signs of depression. Her parents and siblings were in shock. “I was pretty much in a fog for a year,” confessed the still-grieving mother, “But I had to keep going. I had the others to think of.”
Where was God in all of this? While Tolomeo never once doubted His existence she did admit “There was anger. I asked ‘Why me’?’”
“But,” she said “you just go on.” It was her sense of duty and love for family that kept her going.
“I felt that as the mother of the rest I had to hold them together,” she said. Even in the moments of her greatest suffering she knew God had things under His care, “There’s a reason things happen. God doesn’t give you more than you can handle,” she explained.
“I guess He thinks I can handle all this but sometimes I wonder,” she chuckled.
People in her parish Notre Dame de la Mer as well as the wider Cape May County community showed up to lend their support.
“So many of them had stories of their own about loved ones they had lost – some to suicide and some in other unexpected ways.” She said she was surprised to learn the disturbing statistics on suicide in the United States.
Christina’s siblings determined to keep her memory alive. “My children got involved. They were not going to let her memory die,” Tolomeo stated.
So was born the Chrissy Tolomeo Memorial Walk. This year it was held April 23, at 15th Avenue and the Boardwalk in North Wildwood and finished at the Wildwoods Convention Center.
It is held under the umbrella of the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (www.AFSP.org). The siblings have also set up a Facebook page (Facebook/Chrissy Tolomeo Memorial Fund).
Any Early Signs?
Were there signs that could have prevented this terrible event? Not that anyone noticed.
Christina was typical of many severely-depressed people. They hide it well.
“Depression is a serious thing and I hope that we can raise awareness. That’s what Shawn and Tara and Joe are trying to do.” Tolomeo believes many people, including those closest to the depressed person are in denial. “Don’t be afraid to get help or insist that your loved one or friend get help. Depression is a disease.” 
Money raised through the walk and other events put on in Christina’s memory is divided between a scholarship set up in her name at Wesley and suicide prevention organizations. Tolomeo has this advice for parents, ”As much as you get mad at them just love them every day.”
Her faith has been a comfort for Tolomeo and a source of strength. Her Roman Catholic religion teaches about life everlasting and the resurrection of the body.
“I know Chrissy is up there with her grandparents having a great time and I definitely will be with her one day having a good old time,” Tolomeo affirmed.
Until then Kellyann Sullivan Tolomeo will continue to take care of her family and her community to the best of her ability.
To contact Helen McCaffrey, email hmccaffrey @cmcherald.com. 
ED. NOTE: Faith and religion are important facets in the Cape May County community. The author plans to do stories on various aspects of religion and what impact it has on those who practice it. She encourages those with ideas on subjects to email her at hmccaffrey@cmcherald.com for consideration.