Being ‘Different’ Meant Bullying; Self Challenge Produced Confidence

WILDWOOD – Imagine walking through school hallways. Everyone seemed so different compared to you and you don’t know why.
That’s how I felt every day of my life. I remember having to be pulled out of my classes in middle school to get extra help. Why? I couldn’t say my Rs properly, whatever that meant. More specifically I didn’t sound like everyone else. Different is not something that people are comfortable with.
I was diagnosed with verbal apraxia. Verbal apraxia is a motor speech disorder. As a child, I could not say certain sounds and words because of this disorder. My brain did not work like every other children’s brains.
My brain had a problem sending signals to move my body parts, like my lip, jaw, or tongue, needed for speech. As American Speech-Language-Hearing Association defined verbal apraxia, “the child knows what he or she wants to say, but his/her brain has difficulty coordinating the muscle movements necessary to say those words”.
Cause Is Unknown
It took longer for my first word to come. My mother used to joke about how quiet I was as an infant in comparison to my older brother. Apparently, I would barely make a “peep” so my mother had no idea when I felt pain or needed something. As I grew into a toddler, I finally said my first word (very late in the game). My mother says that my first word was “John”.
No, I do not have a relative named “John” nor is my brother named “John.” My mother thinks that I said “John” because of John Smith from the Disney movie “Pocahontas.”
I still enjoy watching a Disney movie. Eventually, my second word was “Ma.” My mom still likes to believe that “Ma” was my first word.
Brother Understood
Growing up the only person who could comprehend what I was saying was my older brother. My parents always thought that he was just saying things that he wanted me to say like ‘Dani said I should have another cookie’ or ‘Dani wanted to watch this movie’, but the doctors soon said that it’s common for my brother to understand me. He said it was a connection that siblings could have.
That’s when my parents realized something was unusual with me and took me to see a specialist. Till this day my older brother is my best friend. He still is here to protect and watch over me whenever I needed him. I will never forget the time he went up to one of my friends and told her to stop bullying me. Brothers are responsible for their younger sisters but my brother went above and beyond his “job description.”
Eventually my parents did take me to a specialist. The specialist diagnosed me with my speech disorder and gave me a deadline and trust me, I have never been good with deadlines. She told my parents that I should have therapy from ages 4-10. Once I’m older than 10, it would be much harder for me to change my voice.
Rigorous Schooling
Instead of going for half the day in preschool, I went during both the morning and afternoon. For the first half, I had to go to a disability class in order to practice my speech and then so I wouldn’t fall behind on my studies, my mom took me to regular classes the second half.
The specialist said that my learning skills were fine so she wanted me to stay on top of my classes and studies. As I entered into elementary school (grades 4-5), I became more self-conscious with my voice, as how many children feel about their flaws when they grow older.
Every time I would leave the classroom to go to the school’s speech therapist other students in my class would ask me where I was going and why I wasn’t staying in class. They would say that I wasn’t smart enough to stay in that class and that’s why I was constantly pulled out.
Bullying Begins
They would laugh and, of course, I was too self-conscious about my voice so I didn’t tell them the real reason that I had to leave the room. I would just let them bully me.
The bullying finally caught up to me; how bullying always catches up to you. Suddenly, one day you just wake up and realize all those birthday wishes since you were a kid went to a waste. Suddenly, you wake up and realize that you’re stuck with this flaw and you can’t do anything to change it or to stop the bullying. The bullying just kept happening and eventually I couldn’t take it anymore. I guess you could say that I fell into this despair that I thought would go away but kept it getting worse.
Bullying’s Result
You see bullying permanently changes a person. For instance, it’s like the bully is absorbing all the victim’s confidence and hope and suddenly it’s all gone and finally you just feel hopeless. I would like to say I was able to improve from the harassing comments but to be honest I don’t think I did. It’s terrible to have someone point out your flaw every day and not being able to do anything to make it stop.
One of my worst memories happened in seventh grade. My best friend at the time thought that it would be funny to pick out people’s flaws to make herself look better.
There was this day during spare time in class that she made me feel bad about myself. She sat me down in the corner with one of my other friends and made me say words that I had trouble pronouncing. She knew that I had a speech impediment yet she proceeded to pull me down. While having tears in my eyes, I reluctantly obeyed.
My friend didn’t know how to proceed with the issue, obviously realizing that I was upset, so she allowed it to happen. I ran home that day crying to my mom asking her why I was so different. Of course it devastated her to see me this upset and she told me to stop being friends with this girl.
Tough to Find New Friends
I didn’t though, against my mother’s better judgment. At the time it was hard to find another friend group so I stayed her friend and justified her actions somehow.
This wasn’t the only time she bullied me. Another day during recess, I remember she made me sing and I will be the first to say today that I could not then or now sing. I sung, though, and she laughed and said that I was good and should audition for a musical. I listened to her and went to the auditions. She got a role, I didn’t.
We had a falling out at the end of seventh grade, which was obviously beneficial on my part. Sure it was hard to find a new group of friends but if I was still her friend I would have never been friends with my best friend today. Eighth grade was good for me. I didn’t have anyone bully me because of my voice. However, as many might know, good times don’t last forever and some of my high school experiences were tough on me.
From New Jersey?
Students from different towns came to my high school so many of them didn’t know me. Whenever I met someone new, the most common question I was asked was “where are you from?” and when I said New Jersey they didn’t believe me. It was a terribly, repetitive question that I quickly grew to hate.
Soon high school became a distant memory as I enter a new era in my life. I applied to six colleges but I quickly realized that a New York college seems to be where I belong.
Applied to Hofstra
I applied to Hofstra University thinking that it would be merely a backup school, however, once I toured the campus I instantly fell in love.
I remember entering the Lawrence Herbert School of Communications and looking into the radio studio window. I remember thinking, “Boy would I love to be inside that studio on-air”.
College was different than high school. No one asked me where I was from or why I don’t talk “normal”. Nobody criticized my flaws. Unfortunately, I started criticizing my own flaws.
I guess I was so used to these remarks that I started to actually become my own worst enemy when the remarks stopped.
Self Challenge
In order to make it stop I decided to challenge myself. Therefore, I thought long and hard as to what would be the most difficult activity to do that would emphasis my speech impediment.
Fall of 2014 I sent in my application to the radio station at my university. This radio station is one of the top ranked college radio stations and I just knew that my odds were very slim from the beginning.
Spring of 2015 I got a phone call: Congratulations! You have been chosen to come in for an interview at the radio station.
I scheduled my interview hardly able to contain my excitement. Throughout the interview the general manager asked simple questions, like “where are you from” or “what activities are you involved in on campus”. Finally, the interview was almost over and the general manager asked “what makes you more unique than anyone else?” I thought long and hard over this question and finally I said: As you may realize already, I have a speech impediment. I applied for the radio because I wanted to challenge myself and prove to myself that my speech impediment wouldn’t get in the way of my future.
I left that interview in tears. I convinced myself that I blew it. I even went to my suitemate’s job to cry to her. Of course she said I was overreacting.
Another call
Little did I know at the time my suitemate was completely right. As a matter of fact, about two weeks later I got another phone call.
They said that they receive around 200 to 400 applications a semester. Only 60 to 80 got an interview. Only 25 to 40 people got into the training class.
I am now in the radio training class.
There are days that I want to cry in my room because I hate hearing myself talk. I hate not being perfect or having the perfect voice. I still do not feel fully confident about my voice but I don’t think I will ever be. It is just something I need to accept about myself.
Now I walk through the hallways with grace and confidence that I have something different about myself. I have speech apraxia but you know what? That’s okay.
(ED. NOTE: The author grew up in Wildwood and is a waitress at a Wildwood Boardwalk restaurant.)