Domestic Violence Out of the Dark

WILDWOOD CREST – When her husband threatened to kill her, 39-year-old Danielle King still felt an allegiance to protect her family unit. He had ripped her hair from her head, choking her until she passed out. The domestic violence had been going on for four years, yet she felt “shame and embarrassment,” acknowledging that she “bargained with herself that he would change.
“I felt shock and denial, that it couldn’t happen to me,” she said, noting she was a Christian, professional worker, and upper middle class. “I fell in love with this man; this can’t be happening to me, I thought. It (domestic violence) sort of creeps up on you sometimes, yet you feel the need to defend your love.
Tried to Kill
“But when he tried to kill me, promised me that he would kill me, that’s when I knew I had to get out and I went to C.A.R.A.,” King said, referring to the Cape May County Coalition Against Rape and Abuse.
King was one of those slated to speak at 6 p.m. Oct 25 at the county courthouse during a candlelight vigil ceremony to honor those who lost their lives to domestic violence and to those who survived. Another educational night is scheduled 6 p.m. Nov. 1 at the Lighthouse Deliverance Ministries, 315 Washington Ave., Woodbine, as part of C.A.R.A.’s community outreach effort that occurs around the year, including October, which is Domestic Violence Awareness Month.
King, who is still transitioning from victim to survivor, noted that while “It’s important to protect one’s anonymity, at this stage in my survivorship, it’s important that I acknowledge and share my experiences with others.”
A native of Cherry Hill, she said that domestic violence was not prevalent in her childhood home, although she said there was “No emotional support. My mother died when I was young, but I never saw my father hit my stepmother. He was controlling, and he did spank his kids. Maybe this set me up to allow the violence, but I think I was naive about it happening to me which prolonged things.”
Job Loss Spurred Violence
For the first three years of her marriage, King said things were “brilliant, just wonderful.” When both she and her husband lost their jobs in 2009, things spiraled downward.
“He was pre-disposed to alcohol, and when he lost his job, things got out of control,” she recalled. “When I would pour the alcohol down the drain, he would throw empty bottles at my face. He had two young children who either saw or heard the beatings, the bottles being thrown at me and the walls, the forced sex. There were multiple instances of the police being called, but still, I didn’t believe this could happen to me. But it did.
Knows No Race, No Class
“Domestic violence knows no race, no religion, no social class,” she added. “It can happen to anyone.
“I know I was co-dependent, which allowed it to continue,” she admitted, “but this was my husband, I loved him.  It went on far too long. After awhile, eye makeup can’t cover up the bruises.”
Across New Jersey, the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence (NCADV) says 20 people are physically abused each minute. In 2012, there were 65,060 domestic violence offenses reported by the police. In 29 percent of them or more than 18,867 instances, children were involved or present when the violence occurred.
C.A.R.A. Cared
When King reached her crisis, she remembers the “kindness and reassurance” offered by C.A.R.A. advocates. “I felt such lack of dignity, giving up on my family, my job, and church,” she recalled. “C.A.R.A. provided everything from shampoo to feminine products to the basics.
“I also remember being so scared,” she added. “I was there physically, but emotionally I was still back at the house with my husband.”
According to some studies, in the U.S. 10-35 percent of the population will be physically aggressive towards their partner at some point in their lives. Less than 1 percent of domestic violence cases are reported. The NCADV states three-fourths of victims are female.
Phone for Help
When a domestic violence situation reaches crisis level, victims in Cape May County can call the C.A.R.A. hotline, 609-522-6489 or 1-877-294-2272, anytime day or night. In-person counseling is available at police stations, hospitals or the courthouse. If the victim is in need of shelter, safe housing is available as well.
“If a victim is in need of legal assistance, we have access to free lawyer services,” explained Nikki Nichols, C.A.R.A. director of community and volunteer relations. “We have court liaisons who are in court every Thursday for domestic violence proceedings to make sure the victim understands his or her rights.”
Shelter can be provided for up to 60 days at a confidential location, she added, where clients have access to counseling, group support, social services and other community resources that may be needed.
“C.A.R.A. was absolutely instrumental for me to be able to transition from victim to survivor,” King said.
“I would not have been able to do it on my own. Being in recovery is a daily process for me. Fortunately, I had no drug or alcohol addiction problems, but it’s like being addicted to the craziness. I’ve gone from the lawlessness at home to rules and structure through C.A.R.A. to life today.”
Temporary Housing
King said she spent 30 days in housing provided by C.A.R.A. where she underwent counseling on a daily basis at first, then weekly. From there, she went to transitional housing, “which is not a lovely experience. It could be a hotel, and there’s no dignity to living in some scum-bag hotel for six months,” she admitted.
During her transition, she was able to get back on her feet with her job, earning additional credentials along the way.
“Life’s good today,” King said, as she walked through her neighborhood greeting neighbors. “The sun is shining, I am happy. I am grateful for this experience in the sense that it has helped me bring more meaning to my life. I wish it had not happened, but it did.”
King said she suffers from post-traumatic stress from the violence, takes anti-anxiety medication and continues to undergo counseling. She is not involved in a romantic relationship with anyone, saying that “recovery is like a wound that heals. The scab remains.”
Power in Sharing
She believes there is real power in sharing her story, particularly because she believes “domestic violence is a real problem in Cape May County.”
According to the Cape May County Prosecutor’s Annual Report for 2016, more than 350 cases of domestic violence were handled, ranging from aggravated assault and sexual assault to terroristic threats and violations of restraining orders.
215 Instances in 2017
Nichols said this year, C.A.R.A. has been involved in 215 instances, with July being the most active month. Comparing September 2016 to September 2017, 14 more calls were received.
“May to August is typically more active because of the increase in tourists visiting,” she noted. “If domestic violence happens to someone from out-of-state while they are visiting here, C.A.R.A. still gets involved.
“I don’t think domestic violence is particularly happening more, but I do believe women are speaking out more,” Nichols said.
As part of C.A.R.A.’s community outreach, Nichols said they are trying to prevent situations from occurring.
During the summer, for example, presentations were made to all children summer camps across the county about healthy relationships and anti-bullying and teen dating in the high schools. “Studies show that domestic violence can be a learned behavior at home, so we really try to focus on preventative methods,” she said. “We’ll come and talk any place.
“As a community, if you see something say something,” King added. “If you are able to do something, then do it. Provide support for the person who needs to crash on your couch. A lot of families turn their back on domestic violence, denying it, so if you can help, I hope you will.”
To contact Karen Knight, email kknight@cmcherald.com.