Do you know what matters most to you? Which people mean the most and why? Which activities you enjoy the most? Which words have changed your life? What matters most to our clients matters to me, and has been of import since I started The Coche Center in 1978. The last 35 years have shown me that professional assistance in living life better is of crucial importance to the 60 families we serve monthly. This new series focuses attention on what matters most to you.
For most of us it takes a lifetime to know what matters most. Meaning occurs in brief interchanges with those we love, creating a foundation to choose which path to take next. These are the precious moments when time stands still. Often, we get captivated repeatedly by the same events. Jumping waves with my granddaughter transports me to my earlier delight as my father lifted me high above the sea foam. “You will be safe with me until you no longer need me” was the message in his square, strong hands. This was a moment of meaning.
As a girl I assumed that all girls had strong, smart, solid Dads they could count on. But life has taught me to admire Lou Milner’s courage and great good humor. Grandfather Samuel died at 42 after bringing his children through Ellis Island to escape political attacks on Jews in their village, Belaya Tserkov, near Kiev in the Ukraine.
Samuel hid the children in the closet with rags stuffed in their mouths to dampen their crying so they would not be killed. So, just like in Fiddler on the Roof, my family left their homeland, arriving at the Statue of Liberty in 1905 with no English and no money. Then six, and the oldest son, Dad had to become “the man in the family” at 14. At his death, Samuel directed Dad to become a pharmacist to care for his Yiddish-speaking mother and the other seven immigrant children. Dad followed orders. Family welfare was what mattered most.
Shouldering his burden without complaint, Dad lived his 94 years with a sparkle in his eye, seeking every opportunity to inject the double tongue of sarcasm into mundane daily life. Dad wielded verbal language with black belt skill. Oozing quiet power, his sarcastic and sometimes sardonic words kept us all on our toes. Delivered in brief, sarcastic jolts, his one-liners gave me some of the life wisdom I now pass on to clients.
On my 16th birthday, he stopped me on my way out the door and casually said, “Be careful whom you fall in love with because, by then, it is too late.” These 15 words went on every date with me and have contributed to my 45+ years of successful marriage to date.
My welfare mattered most to my father. Abandoning his lifelong dream of becoming an English professor and publishing his gift for storytelling, he helped his only child pursue her dreams. Despite his practical conviction that I should take over his successful pharmacy business, Dad funded my first year in graduate psychology. And, when I came to him at age 25 to declare my wish to marry the brilliant Dutch-German psychologist who offered me travel and philosophical pursuit, Dad knew that this future mattered most to me. He looked me straight in the eyes and quipped, “Don’t forget to write.” This moment of meaning was my father’s blessing and my ticket to the world.
Barbara Fredrickson, psychologist and author, has made moments of meaning her life work. She says, “For years, I’ve investigated the value of positive emotions – those pleasing yet fleeting moments of joy, serenity, gratitude, amusement, and the like…positive emotions carry far more benefits than most of us suspected… first, when we experience a positive emotion, our vision literally expands, allowing us to make creative connections, see our oneness with others, and face our problems with clear eyes.
Second, as we make a habit of seeking out these pleasing states, we change and grow, becoming better versions of ourselves, developing the tools we need to make the most out of life. Positive emotions broaden and build us as people. I began experimenting with ways to inject more positivity into my own day, and into my own family life. I felt buoyant and alive. And this new and positive energy infused my relationships at home, at work and beyond.”
Moments of meaning define us. They shape our choices. They create new opportunities. Please join us as we invite you to consider, “What matters most to me?” It could just change your life.
To consider: Where can you inject positive moments into your life? How much happier can you be if you do?
To read: Barbara Frederickson. Positivity. Three Rivers Press, 2009
Dr. Judith Coche can be found at The Coche Center, LLC in Stone Harbor. To contact her by email, go to www.cochecenter.com
