What Is Your Definition of a Couple?

Anita, 64, and her husband, Sam, 66, sat on the black leather mid-century sofa, recording their couple’s therapy session with her cell phone.  
Anita wanted to ensure that she recorded all examples of Sam’s tendency, in her words, “to insult me purposefully but make it look innocent.”
Sam sprawled out beside the phone, trying to remain calm. “Anita, I don’t feel close to you anymore. You are so busy with your women friends that you barely have time for me. I don’t really feel like we are a couple since you retired. I thought we would have easy days together, and now I see that you are there less than when you worked full time. ”
He turned to me, “Judith, do we fit your idea of what a couple is?”
I took a minute to decide what to do next. Like so many couples where one is retired, they were struggling to make it work.
“I think you have been married over 20 years, so it seems like you are still a couple, Sam. But clearly, you feel distant from Anita and would love to have her available when you are home.”
“Yes! It seems to me that is what a couple is. I mean, I am working to earn money and, at my age, that is not always fun. Early up and late to bed and a long drive to Atlantic City.”
I nodded. Thinking aloud, I pulled one of our workbooks from the shelf.  “We actually have an exercise that may be of interest to you. We can do it right here and now.”
I found an exercise called “What Is Your Definition of a Couple?” And I invited each person to respond to the question, “What is your definition of a couple?” They concentrated and were quickly done.
Sam read first: “A couple is a man and a woman who are married. They are there for each other through all of life to love each other and help each other out.”
Anita’s definition was quite different. “A couple is two people of any gender who respect and cherish their time together and alone. Each pledges to help their partner develop in a way that is good for the partner.”
As each read their definition, the difference between them became evident. While Sam had concentrated on the function of coupling in life, “to be there for each other and help each other out,” Anita stressed loyalty to the wishes and needs of the partner.
I continued, “Have you two ever discussed how differently you think about what a couple is? Do you want to arrive at a joint definition of being a couple when we meet next time?” Each nodded.
I continued to read from the workbook pages: “A couple is two individuals who choose to stay together over time. First, this means you have to value yourself to be part of a couple. Second, it means you have to be a complete individual to be part of a couple. Third, it means that the more of your own person you become, the better you can join with your partner. And the more you can join with your partner, the more you are pushed to grow. I know it seems like a riddle, but it isn’t really.
Existential thinkers, like Paul Tillich, express this thought very well. They say that we become more vital when we are able to create beyond our own selves, without losing our self in the process.
Martin Buber said that an expression of the whole self is only possible in a free relationship with another person.
Carl Whitaker said, “I become more and more of who I am by becoming more and more of who we are.”
I addressed Sam. “Would you like to give Anita more support, and ask her to do the same?” He nodded.
“Anita, is there an activity you would like to do with Sam?” She smiled and turned to him, “We used to go on walks. Can we do that again?”
Sam looked down at his long legs stretched towards me. 
“Well, I don’t like to walk with you cause you want to talk that psychobabble stuff and all I want to do is walk. Can we just walk?”
Anita, remembering her definition of a couple, paused, then said, “Yes.  I meant it when I said that we need to be there for each other in a way that is good for each of us. We can just walk quietly together.”
“Good work!” I congratulated them on moving closer than they had been when the session began. “Please try walking together and enjoying the energy between you.”
To consider: What is your definition of a couple? Have you ever discussed this with anyone?  Might it be of value?
To Read:  Martin Buber. I and Thou.
Find Judith Coche, Ph.D., helping couples in Stone Harbor and at Rittenhouse Square, Philadelphia. Reach her through www.cochecenter.com.