What is Intimacy with Yourself?

I recently met in the Stone Harbor office with Jennie, a new client who lives year-round in Cape May. At 54, she is recently widowed and wants to date.
Jennie is tall and slim, with short brown hair that accentuates her huge, brown eyes. Jennie seeks psychotherapy to adapt to a new life era.
She is bright and funny, and loves Justin, her adult son who is finishing college in England. She feels desperately lonely after a successful marriage to Ben of 32 years. She wants to find an emotional and romantic companion, but this is hard to do.
She also loves Victor Hugo, her “fuzzy, black Portuguese water dog,” and has invited him to sleep in bed with her now that her husband is no longer there. “It really helps,” she says. “And I can visit Justin in England so that helps. And, I have great friends who really get just how hard this is.
“But, this is a new time for me and I feel lost. How can I feel more like myself in my new life? I agree that I need to know myself better to provide me with what I need, but how?”
When we think about intimate relationships, most of us think first of intimacy between partners or friends. Intimacy is about being willing to let someone see you as you truly are, and seeing that person as he or she truly is. It is about lack of artifice or protection and requires great courage. It is a central part of what Paul Tillich calls “The courage to be.”
Do you think of intimacy as limited to physical contact between two partners? Jennie is one of many people who do.
Upon reflection, we need to feel intimate with those we love. Jennie can still enjoy the intimacy between her and her son. And, she can deepen the intimacy with local friends so crucial to her wellbeing now that she is a single adult. Further, intimacy with Victor Hugo, her dog, provides her deep human satisfaction.
One useful model for thinking about what generates strong intimacy between partners has been put forward by Solomon and Teagno of the Relationship Institute. There are three types of intimacy – self-intimacy, conflict intimacy, and affection intimacy. Single or coupled adults need to become skillful in all three areas.
1.    Self-intimacy is about being aware of your own feelings, caring about those feelings, and sharing with those you love as appropriate.
2.    With conflict intimacy, we need to be able to disagree constructively and with acceptance and love, even if we disagree with the other person’s stance. This requires being bigger than the situation.
3.    Affection intimacy includes verbal, sexual, non-sexual, physical, and active expressions of love. This is what most of us think of as being intimate.
Self-intimacy is the foundation of all of it. If you are not in touch with your own feelings, and not able to share them, you will have trouble addressing those feelings for yourself and have trouble sharing your feelings with an intimate. Those who love you will find difficulty knowing you and responding lovingly, even if both of you long for this.
Self-intimacy and the sharing of your feelings aren’t just about being verbal.  Some people are better at expressing themselves non-verbally. But, whether you are a verbal or non-verbal communicator, being in touch with your own feelings on a regular basis helps you thrive with your partner over the long-term.
Being open to self-intimacy can be a surprisingly challenging task. Self-esteem develops based on how we perceive that others perceive us. Self-intimacy requires that we see ourselves as we truly know ourselves to be.
Self-esteem depends on a similarity between our ideal sense of self and how we see ourselves to be. And, we need time alone with ourselves to reconnect with who we are. This also acknowledges the value inherent in being who you are.
To consider: Here are three questions about how successfully intimate you are with yourself. There are no right or wrong answers, but your answers are worthy of your attention. Success in this area is crucial to living an optimal life.
1.  Which of the ways of being intimate have you integrated into your life?  Do you feel satisfied with your parents, your children, your larger family, your friend, your lover or spouse, your pets, etc.? Why?
2. If you want to be closer to a wider range of intimate partners, how can you achieve this? 
3. If you were closer to a wider range of partners, how would these enrich your life? Would it be worth the effort?
To read: Your Best Life, Judith Coche, 2013, Optimal Life Press, Philadelphia. On Amazon.
 
Find Coche at www.cochecenter.com in Stone Harbor and Rittenhouse Square, where she helps clients build their best lives. For a free pamphlet on how to create your best life, email tcctcs@earthlink.net