Must We Limit Cuddling Until After Dark?

“I guess I thought that … well, I hoped that … we could cuddle a bit before you have to go to work, but I guess you have to take a shower to get ready.” Arline looked straight into Howard’s eyes to get his attention. Preoccupied with events of the unfolding day, he avoided her glance.
“Hey, I have an idea.  Let’s talk about this over dinner tonight. Then you’ll have time to think.” Arline considered the deed done and turned on her side to go back to sleep. But Howard couldn’t let it go.  Her constant “begging for attention,” got under his skin.
“Can’t a man get ready for work without being nagged into feeling bad? I mean, it’s 6:30 and nobody with good sense wants to interrupt a work morning with activities that happen at bedtime.” There! He had set the record straight … not that she would listen, of course.  
Arline sat up, turned to him and glared. She said nothing. Howard began buttoning his shirt for the quickest escape he could muster. When the going gets bad, Howard gets to work.
He had previously been married to Dot, an efficient executive secretary who wanted no children and lots of fun, especially the theatre, and, worst of all, cruises. He loved the ball game on TV and a beer or two, but Dot called that, “Boy stuff.”
After 24 years, Dot left him to be the social director of a travel cruise business. Howard was relieved and started “getting’ to know “new women,” which was fun until it ran thin. He got serious about finding a woman to take care of him and his work buddy’s wife introduced him to her friend Arline who “wants nothing more than to please her man.” When he asked Arline to dinner, she turned the tables and invited him to a home cooked meal of “my slow cooked pulled pork special.”
On their second date, Arline confided that she had “saved herself” for the right man. Sure, I “messed around with jocks, but they just wanted what they wanted” so I spent time with my girlfriends, who love me for who I am.”   
She wanted a solid marriage and a predictable coupled life. When she met Howard, who wanted nothing more than peace, comfort, and a bit of extra cash, they thought this was the perfect match. Time uncovered huge individual differences which began to grate on each other’s nerves. Neither wanted the expense and disruption of divorce so they were stuck. Or were they? Arline had spoken with one of her friends who had sought professional help from an expert. It had really helped.
The day where Howard rushed to work, Arline decided to make him a great dinner. Maybe she could finally get to snuggle in his arms and ask if he would go to couples therapy with her. Her friend reported that it really helped.
Home-made lasagna greeted Howard as he returned from the auto repair shop. Grimy, hot and frustrated from customers who need their cars yesterday, he just wanted the news and a beer. But the lasagna smelled great and Arline had set the table. 
“How was your day?” she began.
“Good.”
“What was good about it?”
“The usual.” Howard finished his third piece of fresh Italian bread with butter. 
“Ya know, sweetheart, I was thinking how wonderful it would be if we could have dessert in the living room. She ushered Howard to the couch where she had set homemade brownies with ice cream next to his place. He began dessert which, for him, did not include snuggling with Arline. It would be a shame to ruin good brownies.
“Honey, I thought maybe we could go talk to a marriage counselor. She has helped two couples we know. I’ll pay for what the insurance won’t cover. Can I have that as my birthday present?” She had him cornered and he knew when he was licked. 
“Yea, sure, but not on a workday.”
And so it happened that Howard did the unthinkable. He saw a couple’s therapist. He had no idea what to expect but she sounded normal on the phone. And did the marriage improve?
Arline no longer bombards Howard with neediness. She spends time with her friends and respects his need for recovery after a tough day at work. And Howard has found that Arline is pretty good company as long as he takes an interest in her cooking and her shop. And, yes, life is better. 
To read: Susan Johnson. Love Sense. New York: Little Brown.
Dr. Judith Coche is a psychotherapist for couples, individuals, and families. Find her at Rittenhouse Square and in Stone Harbor. Reach her through www.cochecenter.com.