Today, we explore knowing how much to bend to our partner to please them. Although there is no right answer, there are guidelines that can help every relationship.
First, let me tell you a legend from Russia.
As I write this, I am visiting Kazan, the beautiful Russian city. The Kazan Kremlin was declared a UNESCO World Heritage site, and Suyumbike Tower is iconic. This tower also involves a tragic love legend with a lesson for us.
Ivan Vasilyevich became the first Tsar of Russia at 17-years-old, but he had a complex personality. Though he was intelligent, he was untrusting, suspicious, and showed irregular outbreaks of instability. He is believed to have killed his eldest son, and to have caused the death of his unborn son after an outrage with his daughter in law. He would be a terrifying partner.
After Ivan conquered the territory of Kazan, he wanted to marry the Tatar ruler named Söyembikä. She was beautiful and is known as the national heroine of Tatarstan. He knew of his temper, so she agreed that if he built her a tower made of seven tiers in one week, she would marry him.
Ivan supposedly finished the tower within the week, so Söyembikä went up to the top of the tower and became overwhelmed with emotion for her people that she couldn’t bear to marry the Tsar, and jumped off the tower to her death.
Remember that this is a legend, but would you go that far to get away from domination? History tells us that she inspected the tower, then moved to Moscow to live. She left a man who tried to dominate her into loving him.
Do you try to please a partner that is difficult to get along with? How angry do you get and how do you manage this rage? Here are three tips to manage the unfair wishes of your partner:
1. Inform your partner that you know the formula for a great partnership. You want to get your way in a relationship about half of the time you disagree with your partner.
Unless fairness is evident, partners get resentful, aggressive, or withdrawing. Of course, in our story the heroine was married to an emotionally unsound partner, so she decided to leave. Would you?
2. Tell your partner how it feels, but speak calmly.
Be willing to bend, and ask your partner to bend in return. Although this sounds easy to do, I suggest to couples that they get professional help in learning how to speak from the heart skillfully. Communication skills are essential in long term relationships of all kinds. They are available in churches, online, and in person. Where would you go to find these skills?
3. Seek professional help early, rather than waiting until the problem is huge. I often support couples who get help for a marriage that seems “good enough,” but not great. With a divorce rate in the US of about 40%, try to ensure that your marriage remains loving and delightful for both of you and your offspring. If needed, seek individual help to learn to be gently assertive in the relationship. Building your own strength can make a huge difference.
I often ask couples a question that stumps them. “What percent of the time do you want to get your way in a marriage?” And the answer….about half the time you disagree, which means that you have greater ease in a marriage where you and your partner share values and life goals. As easy as that sounds, it is hard to do, not just for you but for all of us.
To Consider: How much would you miss your partner if no longer coupled through divorce or death? How can you improve the relationship to make each day matter? Is it worth it?
To Explore: Laurie Abraham. The Husbands and Wives Club. Simon and Schuster. This book about couples I have treated can be useful for you in your life. It tells the story of my work with four couples who have transformed their marriages.
North Cape May – Another shout out to Officer Bohn, the school resource officer at LCMR. I admire his hard work and devotion to the students and staff as I see him every morning and afternoon, snow, wind , sleet or…
