General, Be an Adult and Apologize

This past Saturday was International Survivors of Suicide Day. According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (AFSP), the day is geared to letting those who have survived the suicide of a loved one a time and a place “to feel a sense of community, to promote healing, and to connect with others like them.”
In an article published this summer by the Associated Press, it noted America’s finest, its troops, are killing themselves in record numbers. The article stated in the first 148 days of 2012, 146 active-duty troops took their own lives. That number is staggering.
Making it even worse is a comment made by a senior Army general who told soldiers to “act like an adult.”
Major Gen. Dana Pittard, commander of the 1st Armored Division wrote in his Army blog, “I have now come to the conclusion that suicide is an absolutely selfish act.” He continued with, “I am personally fed up with soldiers who are choosing to take their own lives so that others can clean up their mess. Be an adult, act like an adult and deal with your real-life problems like the rest of us.”
Nice talk from a man who, over the years, has been entrusted with the lives and psyches of thousands of young men and women.
Over the course of the last year several articles have appeared in this newspaper addressing the issue of suicide. Hours of research went into their preparation. Not once in those hours did the survivor of someone who died by suicide blame their now-lost loved one for not being an adult. Or not manning up. Or leaving them to ‘clean up a mess.’
Suicide is an act of total desperation. It is not about seeking attention or histrionics. It is about someone being so deeply depressed that they truly believe the world will be a better place without them. It is about darkness. It is about an unfathomable level of despair.
The numbers of recent military suicides reflect the rest of the world, too. Here in Cape May County, we have, per capita, the largest number of suicides in the state.
“People kill themselves in the military for the same reasons they do in civilian life – relationships, financial problems,” said Brig. Gen. Michael Cunniff, adjutant general of the New Jersey Department of Military and Veterans Affairs in an address before a joint session of the state Senate and Assembly.
Some blame the lack of employment, some blame the high use of drugs and alcohol, some to the breakup of a relationship and some blame the transients who come to the area in search of fortune only to find themselves at despair’s door. Assigning the reason is easy. Trying to understand the reason is much harder.
For every person who has met a tragic end there is a different story. But the common thread between them all, male or female, employed or unemployed, addicted or clean, civilian or solider, is the feeling that ending their life will eliminate the pain that reaches into the depths of their being.
Pittard’s statement received a rebuke from the Army. It called the general’s statement “clearly wrong.”
The Army may have issued its rebuke to Pittard, and he did retract his statement, but he has yet to apologize for it.
General, it’s time for you to stand up and, for the sake of all those who have lost their sons, daughters, mothers, fathers, sisters, brothers, nieces, nephews, family members and friends, apologize.
Talk to the woman who has buried her son after he shot himself. Go with the family as they stand at the base of the bridge where their daughter jumped to her death. Listen to the breaking voices as people tell of not being able to speak of their loss for decades because of the stigma of losing their loved one to suicide. Look into the face of the child who will never see their parent again. Watch the faces of the aged grandparents as they say they can’t wait to see their grandchild in Heaven.
Perhaps for the general, and in some way most of the rest of us, we need to stop pointing our fingers and instead open our arms.