Fighting Family Feuding During the Holidays

This Thanksgiving through New Year’s, I look forward to a lap full of contentment as our younger Portuguese Water Dog, the black-velvet coated, brown-eyed Oakley Anderson, gets her fill of scratches behind the ear and snuggles after her dinner.
Oakley is now 6 years old. She is usually smart, lively and very loving, but put her sniffing distance from a beach and watch her explode in excitement.
Take her onto a beach where she can twirl in ecstatic circles and you can guarantee she will sleep happily that night. So, of course, we plan to make her Thanksgiving bright by taking her to a beach over the weekend.
And, her mother, the curly and agile Mama Bliss, is now 10, and gets to run a bit and walk next to me, as she prefers.
Bliss delights in tiny treats of pear slices, butt scratches, and going everywhere with husband John. Each will get her fill of tiny gifts of happiness and our best attempt to reduce their stress this holiday season.
Do our dogs experience stress during the holidays? That depends on us. 
We know that dogs live in the emotional moment: they catch our mood and feel it inside. When we quarrel, they suffer. When we relax, they relax. Even our pets hate family feuding.
Stress-busting at the holidays is all about knowing what you like and making time for it. While I take the dogs to a beach, it is likely that husband John will be in hot-tub heaven. This slice of happiness will keep him satisfied for years to come. 
With Thanksgiving a day away, we may wish that family gatherings were easy, but many families worry about holiday stress. Family members in therapy with me spend unpleasant hours arguing over how to spend time on Christmas Eve: do we go to church or stay home and sing carols? 
Members of couples, especially husbands, spend hours worrying that they will see a disapproving look that tells them they got the wrong-sized nightie or the wrong-colored precious stone in an expensive pair of earrings. 
Parents hosting family spend frustrating hours trying to convince preadolescents and teens to set tables, clear dishes, and help with other chores around holiday meals.
Single adults visiting the parents of a new love for the first time worry about whether his or her parents will approve. Grandparents spend needless hours worrying about whether distant grandchildren will like the gifts they labor over and carefully mail. 
How does your family manage holiday stress? Do you feud at the holidays or submerge anger in hopes nobody will notice? If so, you are in great company.
Whether it is planning holiday dinners, divided politics at the family table, or tricky relationships among family members, too often, many of us hope the holidays will pass without too much nastiness.
We get valuable knowledge from research from “Positive Psychology: The Science of Happiness.” This science can help us remember tools to combat all the negativity that comes with holiday pressure.
Positive Psychology suggests the following three ways to be happier during the holidays:
1. Five small pleasures a day increases the happiness quotient. Create special little daily surprises of things that delight those you love and support. Cook a grandchild hot chocolate and don’t forget the marshmallows. Buy new bubble bath and soak in delicious aromas. Light a candle at dinner. Snuggle longer with the dog that missed you all day. With forethought, we can think of five easily in a day.
2. Share with others. Research confirms that our personal relationships are critical to our happiness. Tell those you love what you love or appreciate about them instead of staying silent. Research tells us that being appreciated is a happiness booster. We need to know others notice the good things we do. Speaking up can make a big difference.
3. Get out and exercise. Research tells us we undervalue the benefit and joy we get from movement. Go for a walk or a run with yourself or someone you love or like. I love to take the dogs.
To consider: Who would love a small candle smelling like Christmas trees? Why not buy it and slip it in their hand as an early surprise? Would that increase their happiness? Of course. And, would their happiness make you happy? What do you think?
To read: A great holiday gift of the best of happiness: “Pursuing the Good Life,” a little book to treasure from a positive psychology researcher who died way too early. Read it once, read it twice, and do tell others about it. You’ll be glad you did.
Dr. Coche practices clinical psychology in Stone Harbor and Philadelphia. She invites responses through her website, www.cochecenter.com