Fatherhood: A Job Without an Instruction Book

Fatherhood: A Job Without an Instruction Book
“Congratulations, you’re going to be a father!”
When the late Dr. Walter Cavagnero made that pronouncement in his Woodbine office in 1974, I didn’t know what to do; I had mixed emotions, happy and scared, similar to the feeling a groom experiences just after uttering, “I do.”
Yes, it was “just one of those things” that newlyweds encounter as nature takes its course, but it has been an enriching experience, one I would not trade.
Father’s Day is Sunday. During that span of a few short hours families may share the joys that come with family life. There may be a card — handmade ones are best — maybe a set of wrenches or a new hammer, possibly nothing but best wishes.
In a society that downplays the necessity of marriage, fatherhood is an endangered thing. Sperm banks totally eliminate the need for affection and companionship if a woman desires to become a mother and has no male partner.
Telling our age, in a recent list of 19 birth announcements from our community hospital only three children were born to married couples. So what? Mind my own business? Whose kids are they anyway? Yeah, who cares?
Take this microcosm of Cape May County and project it across this vast land, and the data seems to show that fatherhood is not getting the respect it deserves.
Fatherhood is so vital, yet so undervalued today.
In retrospect, call it grandfatherhood, if I had to grade my own fatherhood, I imagine a C minus would be very generous. If I could go back, I’d strive for an A, but that’s not about to happen.
There were many times when I was working that I should have been home with the family, helping with homework, reading books to our son and daughter, advising them, sharing with them, playing with them, but I wasn’t. My wife undertook that burden.
On the other hand, I tried to be what fathers are supposed to be: a good example, trustworthy, honest, judicious, although I could never carry out discipline. I would yell, then start to giggle, never a good thing to do when showing disapproval to a child.)
Instead of really joining in birthday parties and Christmas morning present opening experiences, I was more concerned with getting a photo to remember the moment, which resulted in packs of photos stored everywhere.
That, too, is a mark of fatherhood, trying to the best of one’s ability to leave an indelible mark on impressionable minds and lives.
Fatherhood, like motherhood, is best shared and not carried alone. For those fortunate enough to have a mate who overlooks one’s shortcomings and undertakes the responsibilities of raising children, fatherhood is much easier to bear. Still, fatherhood can be one of the loneliest jobs.
At times, after making an unpopular decision, declaring painful truth, many fathers know the sting of dirty looks, mean-spirited shouting from teen offspring and tears, hours or days of icy silence, and hurtful distancing from your embrace.
Fatherhood comes with no book of instruction, no guarantees of satisfaction, no 90-day free home trial for the newborn. That tiny package of a human is entrusted to your care, clean or dirty, happy or squalling, hungry or fed at 9 p.m. or 2:30 a.m.
Through the years, as babies turn into adolescents sporting personalities of their own, marks of fatherhood become evident. Mannerisms appear and traits emerge. They continue to observe their father, how he acts and reacts to life’s dilemmas. He becomes the example they will follow, good or bad. Does he mean what he says? Does he say what he means?
As that son or daughter walks across the stage at graduation, be it eighth grade, high school or college, tears may well up in a father’s eyes. That’s because those are milestones, successes that make a father’s task worthwhile.
Then, if the Almighty grants time, there may be weddings to attend in which you will witness the circle of life start anew. There may follow baptisms and confirmations, Little League or Girl Scout functions to attend, only this time as a senior, gray-haired observer.
How important is fatherhood? It is half the foundation of a sound society, thus it ranks alongside motherhood in importance.
Having attended gang seminars, it is a fact that many young people, deprived of their father, will crave a father figure, a mentor to follow, emulate, idolize. They want to be “just like him,” and that’s why fatherhood is vital. Lacking a father at home, they seek a substitute on street corners where little good ever starts or ends.
It sounds wonderful to declare, “It takes a village to raise a child.” While that may be helpful to produce a well-balanced young person, there is no substitute for a father and mother to raise a child, to instill morals and guide the child from the earliest moments of life’s path.
Fathers, never shirk that awesome duty to nurture your children. You will never comprehend what tremendous impact you will have on them, and therefore, on the future of the community and the world.
Fatherhood is filled with a lifetime of cherished memories, some happy, some somber, but all to be held closely by us.
We fathers are needed now more than ever. As years pass, it’s evident that being needed by our family, being sought for advice, may be the best “present” children can give us.
Happy Father’s Day from one guy to another.