Building Human Intimacy One Interchange at a Time

This completes my five-part series on human-coupled intimacy. In it, we have looked at the fundamental human tragedy of coupled love gone awry, and how to repair it bit by bit. 
To wrap up, let’s return to a couple’s psychotherapy group frustrated that each couple lacks the intimacy needed to feel heard and treasured. In fact, the couples group could not wait to meet each month to get to the bottom of what I sometimes call the intimacy conundrum.
As do we all, each of the four couples felt desperately unhappy when the space between them crackled with tension. 
Dwight spoke for the group, and perhaps for us all, when he said that he lost interest in sex unless he could feel “really close” to Diane. His first marriage had ended bitterly a quarter of a century before he finally met the woman he would marry.
“Diane’s eyes turn me on,” he said, corner of his mouth turned upwards in the play of a smile, but sex had been nonexistent for decades in his busy life as a single parent. At 64, this very desirable Main Line bachelor was just fine as long as he could “snuddle,” his word for combining snuggling with cuddling. Like so many of us, Dwight had settled on being close to his partner.
Diane, fully adult in her marital desires, found “snuddling” a paltry appetizer to the main course she needed to feel coupled. “Dwight, could you just listen to me? I am telling you what I need!” Voice pitched high in utter frustration, Diane refused to back off.
In her individual meetings with me, she was blunt. “I mean, this just does not feel like marriage. There is something wrong here. Can we fix it?” I had worked with Diane since her distinguished husband had asked me to help her just before he died at 38. 
Since each of the couples in the group needed a refresher in the fundamentals of intimacy, I told them we would be reviewing these in the next group. I asked each what they most needed to feel satisfied with their marriages. Answers ranged from wanting more human touch to wanting more time to talk.
I asked them to spend 30 minutes each day listening to their partner on any topic chosen. “In your eagerness to get what you want, you all overlook the foundation of intimacy. You simply must listen to what your partner wants to tell you. In our rush to get our needs met, we lose our partner, who must feel cared about. Please do this daily just as you brush your teeth. The hygiene of healthy intimacy demands nothing less.”
I thought of husband John who would regale me with his progress fixing the concrete on the steps of our historic home. Yes, I would sit down and yes, I would listen. Not just with my ears but with that same heart that helps couples transform their marriages. I have the skill. I owe it to John to use it. Even, no, especially, when I am busy. The man who told me many years ago that “I just want you to be happy,” not long after I had lost my first husband to sudden death, had devoted most days of his life to making good on his willingness to meet me halfway to create mutual happiness. Just knowing that I got to come home to a Mensa intellect ready and willing to line edit something I write or give me a world class back rub after a long day … these moments create the foundation for what has become a successful stepfamily and a treasured second marriage for each of us.
Iconic couples expert Dr. John Gottman discusses a fundamental social skill called “emotional attunement,” which describes a couple’s ability to fully process and move on from painful, emotional events. He teaches couples to focus on positive traits and memories and build skills to listen, connect, respect each other, and show affection. He teaches attunement through awareness, tolerance, understanding, non-defensive listening, and empathy. These qualities enable our relationship to be enduring and resilient despite life’s turbulence. 
Can you do it? I expect so. Is it worth it? Now tell me … just what could be worth more? Try to work with this for six months. Get help if needed. Nothing in your life will ever matter more.  
To consider: How much pleasure might you get if you put down your activity of the moment and just plain listened fully to your partner? Might it lead you both to a more memorable relationship? Would it be worth every minute?
To explore: John Gottman. The Science of Trust. Norton, New York: 2011.
Find Dr. Judith Coche helping couples transform their marriages at Rittenhouse Square and Stone Harbor. Reach her through www.cochecenter.com.