“I mean, how do they do it?” Shirley sat across from me and practically stared me down. “I really need to know. My parent’s marriage is so boring I can’t imagine saying yes to Henry’s marriage proposal, but I love the guy and hate to live without him. So, I need to know what we know about the happiest couples.”
Henry had proposed marriage recently, throwing Shirley into a tizzy of delight and anxiety. They had decided to seek some help to tease out what they needed to know before they married. I applauded them and mentioned that some parents actually give their kids a few sessions with me when they get engaged. Divorce prevention is a great idea.
I smiled and turned to Henry. Henry often said little and I wanted to engage him. “Henry, what are you curious about in marriage?”
He looked straight at me. “Doc, I just want to know what we really know about how happy couples live so we can live that way too once we get married.”
I nodded. “I’ve often wondered that myself. So, I have studied the research on this topic. One result surprised me… would you like to know?”
The couple looked at me with curiosity, so I pulled out a word document onto which I had written 10 pointers from research on happy couples.
“Here’s a big-10 list of how to maximize marriage once you marry:”
1. Honor the universals of coupling. Worldwide we hear common habits with those who couple long term. These universals include living together, childbirth, satisfying hunger, finding shelter. It helps to know all long-term coupled adults worldwide need to learn certain skills though they are done differently in different cultures and at different ages.
2. Successful couples have friends who also stay married. It helps to have friends who understand and choose marriage as their lifestyle of choice.
3. Couples need to learn to disagree successfully early in the marriage but be considerate enough of the other to fight seldom. A Florida state study (https://bit.ly/2N7gcgX) found that couples who are able to be openly angry in the beginning are happier long term. They need to weather the short-term discomfort of an angry but honest discussion, but live peacefully much of the time.
4. Share the load at home by clearly outlining who is responsible for what. According to a UCLA study, couples who agree to share chores at home (https://bit.ly/2xPQdm0) are more likely to be happier in their relationships. The sense that each partner pulls their load is important.
5. Feel like best friends. The National Bureau of Economic Research did a study (https://bit.ly/2S59R6y) reporting that people who consider their spouse to be their best friend were much more satisfied in their marriages. Marriage is a lifelong friendship between intimates, so this makes good sense.
6. Respect the spending pattern of your partner. A University of Michigan study (https://bit.ly/2GryWra) found that both married and unmarried people tend to select their “money opposite” which creates strife in the relationship and that the happiest couples agree on spending patterns.
7. Bravo for frequent sex. Upping your sexual activity from once a month to once a week can cause happiness levels to jump by as much if you made an extra $50,000 a year. A study entitled, “Money, Sex, and Happiness: An Empirical Study” (https://bit.ly/2V2XcDo) sampled 16,000 adult Americans. One of its main conclusions: “Sexual activity enters strongly positively in happiness equations.”
8. Celebrate each other’s achievements. Research reviewed by The Journal of Personality and Social Psychology (https://bit.ly/2SDVqeS) showed that there’s nothing quite so satisfying as having your partner be loudly and enthusiastically in your corner.
9. Don’t have kids. This finding shocked me. Numerous studies, including a 2014 survey of 5,000 people (https://bit.ly/2TPAMFb) in long-term relationships, show that childless couples (married or unmarried) ranked the quality of their relationship more highly and did significantly more to nurture their relationship. Coupling takes time.
10. Say thank you. Across the research, the most important element in strong relationships is saying “thank you.” The study above shows that the small gestures of appreciation and affection really make the difference.
I looked across at the couple who were looking at each other and smiling. It was clear that the research had relieved their anxiety a bit.
To consider: If you don’t have children, can you imagine life being happier with them? Why? And if you do have children, can you imagine life being more enticing without them? Why?
In all cases, I hope for you the happiness you deserve.
To explore: The links above give you ways to look more closely at the research.
Dr. Coche practices clinical psychology in Stone Harbor and Philadelphia. She invites responses through her website, www.cochecenter.com
North Cape May – Another shout out to Officer Bohn, the school resource officer at LCMR. I admire his hard work and devotion to the students and staff as I see him every morning and afternoon, snow, wind , sleet or…
