Linda sat in my office, looking forlorn. “Jered says date night is boring and, with Valentine’s Day coming up, I am dejected and disgusted. We used to be so crazy about each other. We couldn’t take our hands off each other. It was the best time of my whole life.
“And now, two kids, two cats, and two careers later, we have a great life, but no time for chemistry.” Suddenly, as though a fresh thought had just occurred to her, she raised her blue eyes.
“So where does the chemistry go? Is love a luxury after a few years of being together? Can we replace the earlier magic with something even better?”
Not only did I understand, but her questions were on target. “Linda, I have good news. I hear your complaint from couples frequently, especially if they have been together for some time and are managing passion in conjunction with babies and careers.
“Passion needs room for itself to breathe. Love is anything but a luxury – science agrees that the greatest human need is to love, so let’s design an evening for you and Jered to enjoy. Now that it’s winter on Seven Mile Island, the restaurants are not crowded. How about if you and Jared make reservations for Valentine’s Day, and we can discuss how to make it memorable?”
“Date night” often refers to married couples trying to connect despite hectic lives. We are complex beings, able to transition from the craziness of falling in love to the deep stability of long-term commitments. Neuropsychology tells us that date night relaxes a couple, so I hoped that Linda and Jered could take advantage of the way science works.
Moving an intimate relationship from the spontaneous combustion of its early weeks and months to the irreplaceable depth of long-term intimacy requires an understanding not only of what works but why it works. The biochemistry and neurophysiology behind seemingly senseless shifts in passion have been explained in recent years, so all of us can understand.
In addition to selecting partners who seem logically sound, as good bets for many years to come, most of us are only too delighted to succumb to what feels like magical energy. I call this the “happening” that comes but a few times in any lifetime. Somehow it is reassuring to know that this magical formula evolves over time into a predictably rewarding package of joy in trusting someone and delight in sharing physical and emotional intimacy with them.
Jered and Lina had known the magic and were currently enjoying the long-term comfort of each other. We needed to infuse their familiarity with novelty and excitement to remind their bodies of why they had gotten together.
The formula for biochemistry differs when we are falling in love from the formula for long-term partnerships. Hormones and neurotransmitters like dopamine and norepinephrine are responsible for feelings of euphoria and intense energy when we are falling in love.
Clearly, Jered and Linda did not invent the chemistry between them. The challenge was to reconstitute it after years of stressful living.
As Jered and Linda moved into the daily grind, the biochemistry between them shifted. The cold light of day looks less attractive than the magical intensity of biochemistry at its best.
“Linda, the good news is that your relationship has three components – the passion of new love, the commitment to one another, and deep, long-term intimacy. Now that you and Jered have built the intimacy, we need to refresh the energy between you.
“You now have what is called ‘companionate love.’ We want to build on all three legs of consummate love, namely, passion, commitment, and long-term intimacy. To do this we need to facilitate the production of date night chemicals.
“Fortunately, we can recreate the earlier magic if you follow the formula for success. To rekindle earlier passions on date nights, do two things:
“1. Try an unfamiliar activity, be it a new restaurant or a thrilling new adventure that gets you intensely aroused and interests both of you.
“2. Add a new dimension to a familiar activity. Invite friends, listen to music, see a thrilling movie. The goal is to trigger dopamine to increase passion between you.”
Linda’s eyes sparkled for the first time since she had entered my office. “You mean we really have the power to turn ourselves and each other on?” I smiled.
“If you could do it before, you can do it now, as long as there is not so much hostility between you that it overwhelms your natural impulses. Give it a try and let me know what happens.”
To consider: Can you and your partner put these hints to work to maximize Valentine’s Day? I hope so.
To read: Helen Fischer ‘Why We Love’ New York 2005, Holt Paperbacks
Dr. Coche practices clinical psychology in Stone Harbor and Philadelphia. She invites responses through her website, www.cochecenter.com
North Cape May – Another shout out to Officer Bohn, the school resource officer at LCMR. I admire his hard work and devotion to the students and staff as I see him every morning and afternoon, snow, wind , sleet or…
