‘From Victim to Survivor’ Group Hears From Woman Who Lived a Nightmare

COURT HOUSE – Cape May County citizens were offered an opportunity to meet women who worked for the county on behalf of the abused Oct. 3. The Commission on the Status of Women hosted, “From Victim to Survivor: Reclaiming Your Life after Violence, A Victim’s Symposium.”
The county was represented by host Freeholder E. Marie Hayes, liaison to the commission and formerly from the Cape May County Prosecutor’s Office, where she worked with victims of child and sexual abuse. Hayes was joined by Carol Reeler of the Coalition Against Rape and Abuse (CARA), a domestic violence specialist, and Clare McArdle of the County Prosecutor’s Office of Victim Witness Advocacy.
Drucilla Shelly, keynote speaker, told her story of abuse and survival, and of the help and support available. Shelly, who experienced an unhealthy mix of familial mental illness, low self-esteem, rape, abduction and trauma, addressed both her experience and the manner in which she had conquered her fears and learned to survive, with help.
She chronicled her journey, with touching and analytical awareness, including her constant struggle with depression, and her development from a 17-year-old girl, in a family peppered by mental illness, to a woman, with a loving family, a job, and a new view of herself.
The coalition of women came together to share the hope that there is help; that women can survive, and indeed prosper, after cataclysmic experiences of sexual assault.
Hayes stated that the newly-reconstituted board of the Commission on the Status of Women wanted to elevate the position of women in the county. She counseled attendees that “there are people to help you, people out there who will surround you, if you are abused. We need a public outcry,” she said. “People stand up, and people take notice. You can be a victim and there is a process for being a survivor.”
Reeler said that there was a volunteer men’s group and women’s group to assist the abused. They can be reached at 522-6489. They have a group speaks in schools about bullying. They go to police departments and help with restraining orders with marital conflicts.
“We get people aware of domestic violence. We have a food bank. I take children and babysit while mothers attend court,” Reeler said. “Ninety-six percent of women are battered by a man, but 98 percent of men do not batter women,” she said.
“The kind of person the abused are attracting may not be who they imagine they are. The abusers begin by flattery and attention, for which the victim is often starved, but soon they are being verbally abusive about how you look, how you cook, how you act. We forgive them 9,000 times,” said Reeler. “Because we are built like that.”
“Part of the battered woman’s syndrome is putting up with people who criticize. We stay with the abusers for economics. They may have control. Sometimes our reasoning is cultural; sometimes it’s religious. You may reason: I have nothing. I have no place to go. I have no money. Despair is part of what those who are abused feel. You can’t judge why people stay with a batterer. Batterers drag you away from your support system. They want power and control. They want a strong woman to bring down; it’s all about power and control.” she said.
“What about you? Why do you attract them? Do you say: ‘I can look better, be better, cook better?’ Nothing is good enough for the batterer. Ask yourself: ‘Why am I in this situation?’ The reasons are physical, verbal, emotional, psychological…The services of CARA are free,” she said, expansively welcoming those in need.
“A lot of people don’t know that we exist,” said McArdle. “I belong to the Office of Victim Advocacy. We are jack of all trades, and master of none. Victims will be treated with fairness, justice, mercy. We are responsible to attempt to see that victims are cared for.”
“Most of the victims we see are women,” McArdle continued. “Why don’t we teach young men to behave? We do our best to serve these victim situations before charges are assigned,” McArdle said. “We are not counselors, we are advocates.”
McArdle’s office can be reached by calling 609-463-6480. The office has literature on the services offered. The Commission on the Status of Women can be contacted at 463-6695.
To contact Barbara Beitel, email bbeitel@cmcherald.com.