Why Marry?

When is the last time you looked at census data? If recently, you may have noticed that marriage has become less popular. 
We now have many ways of partnering. Children of divorce are painfully aware of the disadvantages of marriage. So, it behooves us to ask, “Is marriage worth it?”
As a couples’ therapist, I frequently help couples transform their lives from unhappiness to lifelong intimacy. I am also a long-married person; this is the 50th year of my marriages to two fine men. Because my first husband died long ago, I have enjoyed a second marriage and the building of a stepfamily for a quarter of a century.
But, please don’t be fooled by the magic of a kiss on a starlit beach. Marriage is a ton of work.
Many people falsely assume that we learn how to be successfully intimate with a partner simply by being born, but many of us are remarkably clumsy unless we invest in the language of intimacy.  When I work with couples, I require them to take a six-hour workshop in which we teach them four key skills about how to be intimate with their partner.
The skills we teach are how to talk about how you feel, how to listen with your body and heart to the meaning of another person, how to negotiate, and how to master interpersonal problem solving. These skills only sound easy.
So, let’s look together at what we learn from research. Below are three proven advantages to married life:
1.    More love each year, decade after decade. Learning intimacy skills allows us to satisfy the greatest human need, to love.
When marriage works, the longer a couple is together, the more deeply each feels their love for the other. In addition, most couples enjoy increased breadth and depth in exposure to and involvement with family from both sides of the marriage.  
Life partners increase our support system multifold. I bring a daughter and 45 cousins to my husband’s life. He brings two daughters, and his sister and her children.
Together we have also enjoyed three cats and eight dogs. Our lives are much richer because of the people we share.
2.     A fresh perspective on life. Sometimes the very qualities that are enthralling about falling in love with someone prove difficult to deal with.
Learning to enjoy deep differences between you and your partner can be excruciating. How do we turn these differences to advantage?
One of the greatest challenges in long-term marriage is understanding that we do not want to get our way too often in a marriage because our partner’s resentment will lead to bitterness. Therefore we only want to get our way part of the time. Seeing the world through our partner’s eyes is what gives us a fresh perspective on life.
3.    The tenderness of touch. From fabulous backrubs to bear hugs, to the deepest facets of coupled intimacy, marriage allows the safety of lifelong connection to the body and the soul of a beloved other.
Research tells us that touch reduces stress and anxiety, boosts our immune system, lowers blood pressure and creates personal and interpersonal happiness. In addition to touch itself, married partners come home to deep emotional support. 
If we are lucky, spouses become our cheerleaders, as well as provide us a shoulder to cry on when we hurt inside. Their unconditional support gives us physical and emotional health advantages over single adults.
In reviewing the research on the advantages of marriage, giving and getting love are actually life’s greatest gifts. The investment in learning intimacy skills is what creates lifelong successful marriages. If we invest wisely in learning the language of love, marriage can come pretty close to feeling like pure happiness.
To consider: If you are married, how often do you celebrate the happiness of being together with your partner? Do you build a number of short bursts of pleasant time together into each day? What might happen if you did?
To explore: The blogs on Psychology Today contain a wealth of material on many topics, including sources of human happiness and research on the joys of intimacy.
 
Find Dr. Judith Coche helping unhappy couples transform their lives at the Coche Center LLC in Stone Harbor and Rittenhouse Square. Reach her at www.cochecenter.com. For a free copy of a pamphlet on how to live your best life, email tcctcs@earthlink.net and ask for the pamphlet called Intimate Delights.