Why Is My Relationship This Hard? Couple Thinks It Through

I often meet by phone or video with couples who live far away. Recently, I finally convinced Christy, a therapy-shy 27-year-old, to join her boyfriend on the phone to speak to me about an issue plaguing them.
Jerry is stand-offish with affection; Christy expects him to offer his hugs and be thrilled to give a back rub. They love each other but at this rate, the love will decline too soon.
Christy is tall and willowy. Quiet by disposition, she keeps worries to herself and is afraid to be honest about what she fears.
As a girl, Christy was not invited to speak honestly with her parents, but was told that “children should be seen but not heard.” This ghost of lifetime past has haunted her. Finally, she needs to break loose and create her own formula for intimacy, the sooner the better.
Christy was afraid to admit her loneliness to Jerry. She did not want to hurt his feelings and feared he would abandon her if he felt criticized by her.
Sitting on the black leather couch and looking at the bay outside my office, she began to tear up. “I just really love him. I’m afraid he’ll leave me if I am honest.” But she trusted me to lead the conversation and was desperate to put the romance on the right track.
On the phone, I began by saying hello to Jerry. He was open to my call but said it was not needed.
“I’m fine the way I am. No need for the fire department. Sure, I know it takes work, but this is not a problem. Christy simply needs to recognize she is being selfish to want me to rub her back in the morning. That is an evening activity.” His definite categorization of intimacy belonging just before bedtime helped me understand his rigidity; he had organized his world into neat boxes and Christy was one box. If she would stay in her box, all would be well.
Christy had no plan to stay in her box with the lid closed. She wanted to breathe fresh air.
Jerry was polite enough to agree to meet three times by phone, “to please you, Dr. Coche,” but he saw no need for help. Christy was very grateful for my help.
“I’ll write up a few key ideas and email them to you before we meet so you can handle this efficiently.” I knew that speaking Jerry’s language could help. 
After we left the phone, I reflected on the literally hundreds of couples who came into therapy thinking that good relationships are self-perpetuating. You can parade your unhealthy habits in front of your partner, and your partner owes your every wish. 
Before we met, I emailed them key ideas. The next time we spoke, I suggested four guidelines to build their relationship muscle together:
1. You want to get your way 50 percent of the times you disagree. Being selfish in an intimate relationship is a sure-fire way to have a bitter partner. This is my own formula for successful intimacy. Christy and Jerry are finding it easy to say but hard to do.
2. Discretion really is the greater part of valor. Consider the impact of your words on your lover before you say them. Plan to remain tactful, especially when angry.
3. Assume the best in your partner. Giving someone the benefit of the doubt builds your relationship muscles. Assume your partner means well and help him as well.
4. Expect challenging work and self-discipline. Remain polite, especially with the one you love. Relationships are tricky lifelong. 
Christy and Jerry did decide to learn simple skills for great coupling. I am delighted for them. They are working on their relationship by forming good habits. Is it worth it? They think so. 
To consider: What can you do to build relationship skills with someone you love? Is it worth it? Why or why not?
To read: Works by Dr. John and Julie Gottman are easy to find and understand. Their lives have been devoted to research and clinical work with clients. 
Find Dr. Judith Coche helping couples at www.cochecenter.com. Reach her through The Coche Center, LLC in Stone Harbor and at Rittenhouse Square.