About 20 years ago, I led a clinical supervision group for colleagues who were seasoned psychologists. As did I, they taught at local universities and did therapy with clients.
As eight of us sat in a cozy circle, one member asked for help with a situation of inappropriate conduct between a male clinical psychology supervisor and his female graduate student. The faculty member kept telling his supervisee of her great smile and sparkling eyes.
With time, he invited her to work in his office after hours and, bit by bit became more flirtatious. “This is all in good fun,” he would say, as he gave her a deep hug that signaled more than “hello.”
Flattered, she was also terrified and angry. Dare she stop his advances, and if so, how? She did not stop his advances and was afraid to report him.
The group suggested she get support to ask him to stop. My colleague helped her put a stop to “the fun.” All of us felt relieved.
Because I knew of other similar occurrences, I asked the supervision group members in my office, “Has this happened to any of you?”
Each woman there reported more than one incident involving inappropriate advances of a male supervisor or faculty member during a supervisee’s graduate education in psychology in an accredited training program. Each of us supervisors had put a stop to it by asking a colleague to return to a purely professional relationship.
In addition to doing clinical supervision, I have 40 years of clinical experience working with innocent victims of inappropriate bantering, touching, and deeper concerns between family members, students and colleagues of adolescent girls and women of all ages. In all instances, incorrect behavior followed an unclear situation that seemed meant in good fun.
I wrote this on the day of the hearings for Brett Kavanaugh (Sept. 27). Dr. Christine Blasey Ford, also a colleague in academic psychology, took the stand to inform us of her experience. Her multi-awarded research and her family loyalty were obvious, as was her terror and bravery at coming forth to discuss an example of when fun became no fun for her at all.
But, what do we do when any of us of any gender is approached “in good fun” and asked to cooperate in behavior outside the boundaries of customary behavior in a situation that seems safe, be that a local high school, college party or a professional-supervision relationship. What do we do when one person’s fun feels unsafe for another person?
We have worked on this concern nationally. In 2014, the White House Task Force to Protect Students from Sexual Assault was established.
At the outset of the campaign, President Barack Obama stated that sexual assault was an “affront to our basic humanity.” The campaign partnered with student, faculty, and university organizations; the media; the Department of Justice; the Department of Health and Human Services; and other stakeholders.
We reached kindergarteners to all levels of leaders in higher education. And, are still working on these concerns, which touch each of us who has ever been a child, or raised or taught a child. This issue touches each of us on the planet.
How do we push back in a situation when fun stops being fun? RAINN (Rape, Abuse, and Incest National Network) is a large anti-violence organization. Here is a brief capsule of their five guidelines:
1. Remind yourself you have done nothing wrong. The person who is pressuring you is responsible.
2. Trust your gut. Do only what feels right to you and what you are comfortable with.
3. Have a code word. Develop a code with friends or family that means “I’m uncomfortable” or “I need help.” The code word can be “carrot,” “Oops” or any word you can agree on. This way you can communicate your concern and get help without alerting the person who is pressuring you.
4. It’s okay to lie or make an excuse and exit. Saying you don’t feel well or excusing yourself to use the bathroom can create an opportunity to get away or to get help.
5. Think of an escape route and any nearby help. Where can you go when you leave?
To consider: We can’t pretend that fun that harms others is good and healthy fun, but what do we do when this occurs? How would you handle a delicate situation involving your friend, your child, or yourself? And, who might benefit if you learned more about ways to prevent further incidences of this out-of-control, “harmless fun?”
To explore: National Sexual Assault Hotline at 1-800-656-HOPE (4673) or online.rainn.org may be of use to someone you love. Keep it handy.
Find Dr. Judith Coche helping clients and colleagues deal with inappropriate conduct and its consequences at www.cochecenter.com. She would love to hear more from you about your concerns and your reactions to ‘Making Life Work.’ Reach her through www.cochecenter.com
Cape May – Governor Murphy says he doesn't know anything about the drones and doesn't know what they are doing but he does know that they are not dangerous. Does anyone feel better now?
