What is Your Romantic Style?

“What wisdom can you find that is greater than kindness?” – Jean Jacques Rousseau
Valentine’s Day in a Clinical Psychology practice is a special time of anticipation, anxiety and emotion. Romantic interaction is very complex: couples often miscommunicate about passionate love, resulting in pain to both partners.
Last week Karl and Kendall sat frozen in my office as Kendall begged Karl to be more giving to her of his time, his words and his touch. Busy and uncomfortable with expressing emotion directly, Karl tries to give by earning stupendously and by driving their adolescent sons to activities each weekend. Kendall has withdrawn from Karl, feeling desperate about her life once her sons leave home.
At the University of Pennsylvania, where I teach, a brilliant young professor named Adam Grant is making headlines with his research-based categorization of three interpersonal styles that differentiate business communication styles. Grant speaks of Givers, Matchers and Takers. In an interview with Dr. Emma Seppala, he applied his thinking to the enticing world of romance, suggesting that the category you fall into may well determine the success and happiness of your love life. Kendall, for example, a Giver, bemoans that she has given Karl everything, and is worn out trying to satisfy Karl, whom she sees as a Taker.
Affectionate by nature, Kendall used to shower Karl with poems and special dinners, but withdrew, feeling depleted after a decade of unreturned gifts and notes. Both Karl, a Taker, and Kendall, a Giver, are intent on balancing their marriage and returning to former times of laughter. To do this they must both learn to be Matchers in their marriage.
To understand these ways of interacting, take a quick look at Grant’s three styles of managing relationships in business and in romance. Where do you fit in this schema?
Givers give, taking best care to promote the wellness of others. They are happy to contribute, are delightful to be around, and see a relationship as an opportunity to give and care. They live and breathe, “How can I help?” Are you a Giver?
Matchers assess the balance sheet in a relationship. They give to get in return. Keeping tabs on who does what, they think of relationships, including romantic relationships, as transactions involving give and take. Skilled in the business of relationships, they may be less nurturing than fair minded. Are you a Matcher?
Takers home in on the means to the end of a relationship that meets their goal. Takers reserve their ability to treat people well for those who can help the Taker reach a desired goal. If someone cannot be helpful to a Taker, they may hold no interest at all. Karl, tall, smiling and charming, knows how to manage a sales meeting and easily seduced the beautiful Kendall to a lifetime of marriage. Kendall now thinks Karl is motivated primarily by his own self-interest. She and Karl both love Karl more than anyone in the world. Are you a Taker?
Karl and Kendall are healing their rough marital years. Giver Kendall has allowed herself to be taken advantage of, raising sons and supporting Karl’s big career. Loving Karl blinded Kendall to the need for as much assertiveness as she shows in her successful cosmetic business. In general, when a Taker encounters a Giver who maintains the balance sheet of the Matcher, the relationship can be very successful for both partners. Kendall has spent her passion, time and energy on someone who overlooks her needs. As she begins to speak back, her voice teaches Karl to give back.
This Valentine’s Day, would you like to be a successful Giver? Of course. Who wouldn’t? Then try, like Kendall, to be a Giver with awareness that others may not be as giving as you are. 25+ years of working with couples in therapy lead me to agree with Grant, who wisely summarizes that in the most successful long term love relationships both partners become givers, even though they may be Takers or Matchers by nature. In love, members of all three categories need to focus on giving.
Research tells us that those who experience more gratitude feel closer to their partner, and engage in more constructive and positive behaviors within the relationship. And, we know that Givers end up feeling most successful and happy as long as they prevent being taken advantage of. So, this Valentine’s Day and every day to follow, consider becoming an assertive Giver. It may improve your life.
May you and your beloved reap the joys of loving, this Valentine’s Day and every day to follow.
To consider: How can I balance my own style of giving, taking or matching with those of my partner in business or love? How might this benefit me in the future?
To Read: Adam Park. Give and Take. Viking, New York. 2013
Judith Coche, PhD is a Clinical Psychologist who owns The Coche Center, LLC, a Practice in Clinical Psychology in Rittenhouse Square and Stone Harbor, N.J. Find her, and her work with loving couples, at www.cochecenter.com