We’re Not Taught to Say ‘Goodbye’

We are taught many things from our earliest days. From our parents we learn rudimentary things, like how to act and react with family. We are taught how to ask for things we want, and are urged to say those “little magic words” which include “please” and “thank you.” We are taught basics of the religion our family holds, if any. We learn to respect older family members whether they are grandparents, aunts or uncles.
If our parents truly love us, they teach us to respect ourselves. Without having respect for self, it is impossible to respect anyone else or their property. We learn love and, hopefully, love in return.
Later, we learn who we are, and where we fit into the family scheme of things. Are we an only child? Are we first-born of several? Are we that “middle child” who is often a way station on a family’s life journey?
When we enter school we learn all the details called education. We learn to count, to recognize different colors and shapes. Almost magically we are taught and tested. If successful in passing those tests, we graduate. Some go on to higher education, others head to careers, possibly a branch of military service, or return to raising a family.
Amid all these things, one task that is largely overlooked, perhaps because it is often so heart-breaking and that is learning how to say goodbye. We are taught to be happy, to look up when things are glum, to see the brighter side of even the darkest situation, yet no one ever teaches us what to do when we stand on the brink and bid farewell to a loved one or friend. It is as if there are no teachers to impart wisdom in times of tragedy and loss. Each of us must break the hard ground of sorrow in our own way. At times, angels are placed to comfort us in dark days. Oh, they may not be garbed in white and have fluffy wings, but they appear when we are at our lowest point. Perhaps they bring a cake or simply sit with us, holding our hand in silence. Grief shared is grief lessened.
Whether we must part with dear friends as a family relocates, or we stand stunned for the last time at the bedside of someone we truly loved and about whom we cared deeply, when the moment finally arrives to break earthly ties for the last time, what do we do? How are we supposed to react? What do we say? Whoever took the time to teach us such necessary tools for life?
Many parents shield their children from death, especially the passing of someone particularly loved. They believe they are doing the right thing to keep from young eyes a final scene of a family member or friend. As years pass, they will understand, they reason. Someday, and the wisest know not when it will happen, those tender children must face life front on, then what will they do? How will they react?
If only there were courses or classes to take that would impart knowledge of how to equip oneself to say goodbye.
Life is like a combat patrol in enemy territory. We set out each day, fully expecting that when we return from patrol, all of us will be there at sunset. Some days, the enemy claims one or two victims, and they are not with us at sunset. How are we prepared for those days?
Recently, some co-workers and I attended the celebration of life for a valiant warrior who left us far too soon. She was a joy to everyone’s life, one of those people who make going to work less onerous and more of a joy. As we waited to express our condolences, we viewed snapshots of her life from earliest days through high school graduation to marriage and travels to wondrous places in Europe.
As we drew closer to the new widower, standing near to all that remained of a glorious married life, something inside me wanted to simply turn and run. Having been on earth over six decades, such a confrontation with death is not new. While there are times when one’s passing is a shock, totally unexpected, at other times it may be a long-sought blessing of peace from pain and suffering. A wise priest often said, “Sometimes Death can be a welcome visitor.”
In the primer of life, why isn’t there a chapter that teaches how to bid farewell? Maybe it’s because some parts of life remain a mystery by grand design. Each on that lonely road must learn for themselves the hard way that life is precious yet it is as fleeting as morning clouds. We simply cannot comprehend. Goodbye means forever. How is that taught to someone at any age? How?