To Laugh or to Cry?

Art and I had just returned from a delightful couple of hours on the beach when I decided to check the messages on our answering machine.
The thing was rather full, and insistently blinking at me to listen! (If you want to reach Art and I am away — don’t leave him a message on our home machine because he almost never picks up that phone or listens to messages. His reason is, “It’s always for you.”)
I had been away for nine days so I was curious to see who all had been calling while I was on the farm in Louisiana stewing in the 102-degree heat.
There were the usual missed social engagements and friends calling to chat, but there was one message that caught my attention and caused me to play it over several times to make sure I understood.
This is the message in words close to those of the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services. You can either laugh or cry as you consider the implications of such a warning.
“This is an important message for those who are out in the heat. Stay cool and healthy, cut down on hard tasks and exercise, drink two to four glasses of non-alcoholic beverages every hour, rest in shady areas, wear a large brimmed hat, sunglasses and sunscreen of at least SPF 15 or higher. Thank you.”
I am reminded of my mother who used to give such warnings when I was five. She would remind me to wear a coat when it was cold, don’t walk through the stickers without shoes, don’t forget your lunch, chew your food well. That is the job of a mother, giving advice and reminders to a child.
I don’t know who at the U.S. Department of Health and Human Services had the notion that they needed to call me. (Was I the only one they couldn’t trust to take care of myself in the summer heat or did the entire Northeast coast get that same “busybody” phone call?)
Who are these people? Who put them in charge? Heaven help us because they are mostly unelected bureaucrats who think we need a nanny to make us come in out of the sun. I have decided to go outside in the heat and drink two to four glasses of alcoholic beverages just to see what happens — perhaps then I will feel like laughing rather than crying.
PATRICIA HALL, the publishers wife