‘Three Generation Vacations: Ain’t Nobody Happy?’

“I get so impatient with her dollar store treasure hunts. At 82, we try to minimize her driving, so when she fixes her watery blue eyes on me and asks if we can stop at the dollar store after the dinner, how can I say no?
She has to watch expenses yet wants to get trinkets for her grandsons, who love the attention, so Dan and I end up waiting in a hot car with 9, 11 and 14-year-old rammy boys. I tell you, next year we just might do without her great babysitting and take a real vacation…one without my Mother!”
Elsa and her family are “always welcome” at her Mom’s tiny retirement cottage, where fresh towels and great eats greet them. A largish woman, Mary gives hugs that make Elsa as claustrophobic as the tight surrounding and she silently counts the hours until her “wonderful vacation” ends.
She wonders if three-generation vacations look better on paper than in real life. But then, this is her Mom and how long will she be around? And the boys’ non-stop energy is a great match for a beach.
Clinical Psychology informs us that the primary human need, as basic as eating and hydration, is to love…not to be loved, but to love others. Our bodies and our spirits need to take care of those we love in order to feel complete. The nearer the person is to our heart, the more bonded to them we feel, and the greater our suffering when they are unhappy.
Maslow, a 1940s psychologist who studied high functioning adults, tells us that, after physiological and safety needs are fulfilled, the most crucial layer of human needs involve feelings of belongingness, and without this connectedness we become susceptible to loneliness, social anxiety, and clinical depression. But since we are programmed to connect to family, an intergenerational vacation should be perfect, right? Not really.
The situation guarantees seething anger unless managed well. There is a delicate balance needed when three generations vacation under one roof.
The fix is not separate vacations: the guilt would be stifling for Elsa. Better would be for the family to work on maximizing the benefits of this three generation vacation….”How about if you discuss all of this with her?” I offer tentatively.
“I can’t really be honest with her. I cannot tell my Mother that her beloved Dan would rather vacation without her. And how do I deny her stopping to buy us dollar store loot? I smiled as the familiar themes of Elsa’s treatment appeared: Elsa had begun treatment because she suffers from anxiety and depression.
She finds it hard to speak assertively with her husband, her dynamo sons and her widowed Mother who retired to a cottage in Villas. The depression deepens each year as summer approaches, bringing the need to live under the same roof with her husband and her mother. Billboards showing happy families on vacation with grandparents make her feel worse, and she feels guilty much of her vacation.
“Elsa, your depression requires that you speak your feelings honestly and tactfully. Since you and Dan have been part of our couples treatment community, you know he wants to hear what you think. Speak with him about this or you will ruin your vacation this year too. Let’s make this year different by treating the depression and removing the guilt.”
Elsa looked relieved. “Okay. I have some ideas. I can talk with Dan and Mom about this. The boys will calm down if we regulate their sugar intake. I can take Mom out to dinner and to the dollar store once as a treat. You are right. It would be great to feel happy on my vacation instead of guilty and depressed.”
Three generation vacations satisfy our need to belong, to love and care for our own family, and to enjoy the great energy we bring to one another. Here are three simple ways to turn guilt and discomfort into the joy of spending time with those you love the most:
1. Accept that stress is part of the package
2. Remain calm but forthright, telling others how you feel. Your family cannot read your mind
3. The goal of a family vacation is for each member to be happy enough most of the time. Sacrificing pleasure to keep peace breeds resentment.
To Consider: Weaver’s store in Millville had a small hand painted sign that I bought as Father’s Day gift for husband one year. It hangs over a doorway in our cottage reminding us that “The best place to be is … together.”
To consider: Please do avoid depression by learning skillful loving if you plan to vacation together. You deserve it.
(Coche of Stone Harbor educates the public in mental health issues. She can be reached at jmcoche@gmail.com or 215-859-1050.)