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Thoughts from Jack Fichter 12/21/2005

By Jack Fichter

“What?” replied Keebler.
“I am outsourcing all toy making to China and Vietnam,” said Santa. “You elves are in a union and are too expensive. I can get CDs burned there for 30 cents each.”
“What will we do for jobs?” asked Keebler.
“The trickle-down effect of cheap toys will create more jobs here,” replied Santa.
“What about delivering toys to children?” asked Keebler.
“No more reindeer, no more me trying to deliver all this stuff in one night,” said Santa.
He explained how United Parcel Service, FedEx and DHL would now be delivering all the toys and gifts.
“They have a tracking system we could never duplicate here,” said Santa.
Cautiously, Keebler asked Santa what other changes he had in mind.
“Well, obviously I’ll stay home on Christmas night,” said Santa. “I have health concerns going up and down sooty chimneys. I was just offered a TV commercial endorsement for Singulair.”
“What about you appearing in stores, taking children’s requests for gifts before Christmas?” asked Keebler.
“That’s over. We will place computers in 900,000 stores and the children can enter their wishes directly to Amazon.com,” said Santa.
“It doesn’t sound like you will have much left to do,” remarked Keebler.
“Oh yes, I will. I’m starting a cable television network, The Santa Channel,” he said.
Santa went on to explain he was suing everyone on the planet who ever used his picture or name without his permission.
“I will own every movie and television program that has had a Santa Claus on it and I’ll run them on the Santa Channel 24 hours a day,” he said. “Except at night, when I do a live call-in show, sort of like Oprah and Dr. Phil.”
“Any other changes?” asked Keebler, with his knees knocking together.
“You know those lists I keep of those who are naughty or nice?” said Santa. “I’m selling them to the Pentagon for a billion dollars. I know everything everybody has done.”
He explained he had records on everyone from Saddam Hussein, who threw a cake across the room on his sixth birthday, to Donald Rumsfeld, who snuck into a movie theater without paying to see “2001, A Space Odyssey ” in 1968.
“You have thought of everything,” said Keebler.
“That’s not all,” said Santa. “I’m going to allow Shell Oil to drill for oil all over the North Pole.”
“When global warming melts all the ice here, I’ll build Christmas Island Condominiums,” he continued.
“What about retirement or severance pay for the elves losing their jobs?” asked Keebler.
“Since I flew millions of miles delivering toys, I have declared myself an airline and filed for bankruptcy,” said Santa. “The pension fund will disappear.”
Hearing that Keebler passed out.
Santa buzzed his secretary on the intercom.
“Call my accountant and see if my tax-break check is here yet,” he ordered.
Fichter, who reports on Lower Township, Wesst Cape May, Cape May and Cape May Point, writes from Wildwood Crest.

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