The Unjealous Friend: How Happy People Think

Do you feel jealous of your friends or are you able to selflessly celebrate their life triumphs? Happy people are generous in celebrating accomplishments of their friends, as I do with my famous friend, Afaf.
Afaf Meleis and I were born five months apart in different hemispheres. We have married funny, loving, loyal, brilliant men. We combined mothering with hefty careers that serve others. We teach and write books. We love flowers, figs, jewelry, and colorful fashion statements. We work out. When husband John had a heart attack last year, Afaf ‘s contacts insured that we got best medical care. We are buddies in spirit. Jealousy and envy are not part of our friendship. Instead, we discuss our families, our careers, and what the future has in store for us as we get older.
A world leader in nursing education, Afaf’s vision, grit and competency could spark jealousy. She brings hope and wisdom to professors, government leaders and the thousands of nursing students she touches. Her presence fills a room. The steeliness in her friendly eyes when she asks me a question makes me draw breath and answer carefully. When we breakfast casually, I feel challenged, titillated, and alive. At the end of the day, Afaf returns home to her devoted, equally brilliant but less hectic husband, Mahmoud. Dinner with Afaf and Mahmoud is a time of gentle banter. Afaf is delighted to relax and let Mahmoud hold court as he warmly embraces friends.
Last year, during a time when Afaf was attracting attention through her global projects in women’s health, I wrote her the tribute below and plunked a great gob of purple flowers in her arms. She beamed.
Taking Notice
I have a friend with a birthday today.
She is loyal and funny and loves purple.
She is a regular person, except for one gift … She has vision.
My friend had the vision to transform nursing
at the University of Pennsylvania.
I do not know how she knew to do this, but she did.
It must be in her blood.
Many people shoot for a small goal,
Then maybe they try for a bigger goal.
They crawl slowly through tiny tentative places
To get to slightly better places.
A few times in their lifetime,
Normal folks bumble on a visionary.
Most of the time they are too self-involved to notice.
When I first met my friend, I noticed
That she picked up small cues that others missed.
I noticed that her memory was sharp.
I noticed that she took pride in self-care.
Then, little by little, I noticed her vision.
I noticed that she had redesigned large buildings.
I noticed that she had raised large monies.
I noticed that she bought sparkly jewelry to have on hand for daughters-in-law.
As we talked on car rides, I discerned her vision.
She moves gobs of people to a better future than they can carve alone.
Mostly they don’t notice. That is OK with my friend.
She is not trying to be noticed.
She is doing a job because she can.
This month she wore pearls and white clothing.
She looked beautiful but she did not look her age.
She led a trajectory to global progress.
She talked from her heart about our future.
Lots of important people perked up.
This month everybody noticed.
Hurrah.
What do we know about happy people and friendship? We know that we are buoyed by others’ good fortune and that a friend lends a hand in times of need, just as Afaf did. In a recent Gallup World Poll, the biggest predictor of happiness at work was whether or not a person had a best friend for support in crisis. The happiest people are present to celebrate their friends and have friends who celebrate their accomplishments. And, couples who celebrate each other’s accomplishments are more likely to feel committed to their relationship and happier as individuals.
How does friendship help us feel happier? Discussing a positive experience with a responsive listener actually increases the level of positivity we attach to the event itself and deepens our memory of the event years later. And, listening to a friend’s accomplishments increases the happiness of the listener. We are happier when we give attention and are given attention by others.
So this week, consider how attentive you are to your friends. Do you take time to call and listen? Do you feel heard? Are they there for you in a crisis? If so, please. Please. Curb your temptation to feel jealous. You’ll be glad you did.
To Consider: Am I jealous of my friends? If so, how might life be richer if I celebrated with them fully.
To read: Happiness. Diener, Biswas-Diener. New York. Wiley.
Judith Coche, PhD, can be reached at www.cochecenter.com . she is owner of The Coche Center, LLC, a practice in Clinical Psychology. Her book of Herald columns, Your Best Life: Pathways to Happiness can be ordered on the website.