The Power of Staying Power: Tenacity Enables Growth

On an April morning, herons and egrets living in my marshland backyard coast into tall grasses that get greener each week as spring moves towards summer. The large white birds glide into spring green slits in the reeds to build nests for young not yet born. They have learned that there is staying power in the safety of the grasses. The tall green marshes that surround the deep gray-green waters of the bay behind our cottage feel like home, both to them and to us. The marshlands give them security. And after 13 years of living on the marsh, the new green of spring grasses reminds me that I too feel safe in our waterfront cottage. The home provides me the staying power to go about my days, teaching and writing and doing psychotherapy with clients who want to transform their lives. 
Recently in my Stone Harbor office, Justine tried to convince her devoted husband that she is “just fine.” Ten months ago, Jarrod rushed her to the emergency room after an “accident.” Her car hit a tree. Since then her traumatized spinal column sends shrieks of pain to her nervous system when she is stressed. She does not seem “just fine” to me.
Justine is living with a dirty secret. She stole negligible amounts of cash funds from work to pay for daycare for the 3-year-old daughter they both adore. Jarrod thinks she got a bonus because she reported to him that this is how she got the money. She feels embarrassed about lying and has lodged herself into a no-win situation in which she must continue lying or come clean. I gently suggested that she tell Jarrod the truth because the secret drives a wedge between them. “I can’t tell him. He will lose all respect for me and may even leave me. His father lied to his mother and had affairs behind her back. He requires truth to feel secure.”
I pushed, “This secret gets between you. It tarnishes your capacity to love and deepens your depression. To get better, you will need to come clean.”
My words helped Justine think about how she could be honest with her husband. Jarrod joined us from the waiting room. “Judith wants me to tell you something I never planned to tell you,” she began haltingly. Jarrod leaned forward to hear her. The silence was long and painful for us all. “The bonus from work was no cash bonus. I stole it.  I felt so ashamed that I got drunk and hit a tree on my way home. My embarrassment hurts even more than my spine. Judith told me I needed to tell you if I want the depression to get better. She told me that you love me and will not leave. Will you?” 
“No, of course, I won’t leave you because you stole a bonus. I thought you hit the tree because you were careless. I am relieved to know the reason.” I watched them find each other’s eyes. The moment of truth had done its work. Justine’s huge blue eyes actually sparkled, Jarrod ‘s compassion for her shame was palpable.
But I still had to help them address the real question. “Jarrod, would you ever leave Justine?”
He looked incredulous. “Are you kidding? Having a depressed mom was hard. Having a dad who was unfaithful was even worse. This marriage has the staying power that I have wanted all my life. Why would I leave?”
I looked at Justine. “Do you believe him?” 
“Yes. Jarrod is right. This marriage has the staying power we both have wanted more than anything else in our whole lives. I was foolish to take the money and more foolish to hit the tree.”
“Yes,” I said quietly. “Now go home and celebrate the love between you that can help us cure this depression. Let your honesty be part of this healing treatment.” 
For the first time in two generations in two families, a couple knows they can count on one another. The power of staying power is likely to decrease recurrence of Justine’s severe depression. And, if you ask me, their daughter will benefit from that more than from daycare.
To consider: In your lifetime, who has the staying power that helps you get through your own personal times of grave discomfort?   When is the last time you told this person that the staying power between you means the world to you? Because it does.
To read or listen to: The Glass Castle. Jeanette Walls.  This classic memoir is the story of highly regarded author Jeanette Walls who overcame adversity through her own tenacity. Simon and Schuster audio. 2010.
Enjoy the staying power of Dr. Judith Coche, who first came to Stone Harbor to practice psychology when her daughter, now a mother of her own daughters, was 8 years old. Find Dr. Coche at The Coche Center, LLC. Reach her at www.cochecenter.com.