“Other people matter. And we … are all the other people who can matter so much.” – Dr. Christopher Peterson
The day is Dec. 7, 1993. I walk the few short blocks from Kensington’s Royal Garden Hotel, cross Palace Walk and head to Kensington Palace with one goal in mind.
I am a bit tipsy from a champagne toast from a 16-ounce bottle in our elegant room’s mini fridge. My fiancé, John, has split the bottle with me, because he knows that champagne delights me. We plan to marry on New Year’s Day for the rest of our lives.
The nasty British mist invades my innards, but I care not one whit. I burrow into my thigh-length, red-wool-lined Burberry raincoat; I am on a mission.
I carry a simple pad and pen intending to write my wedding vows to John Edward Anderson. I feel nervous about the magnitude of my task.
I walk slowly and stop when I see what I search. The persona of Queen Victoria’s stolid sculpture towers over me, as I stand on the path that surrounds her.
I stand very still to feel the magnitude of this unforgettable moment. A three-year widow of a nearly 25-year marriage, I know the gift that marriage can bring.
I feel thrilled that I might share it again, this time with John, but what to write to say aloud to the 100-plus guests invited to celebrate in Philadelphia’s Rodeph Shalom and The Rittenhouse Hotel?
John and I and our three communal daughters are to be joined as a family on Jan. 1, 1994. Candi, Cadi and Juliette, all between 15 and 21, will make a stunning bridesmaid sister team.
As I become lost in creating my vows, time stands still. At first, I can only think of The Beatles lyrics, “Will you still need me, will you still feed me when I’m 64?” I fervently hope we will both live long enough to celebrate at 64 together.
Closing my eyes and breathing very deeply, I enter the center of myself and ask what I want John to know in the moment we marry.
He is a man of great wisdom and few words. He captures complex thought efficiently. I imagine what he may say, and there it is, one sentence is all it takes.
I scribble on my pad, “John Edward Anderson, I invite you to be my partner in life and in love.” I sign it “Judith Abbe Milner Coche.” I date it Dec. 7, 1993.
A tumble of emotions floods me as my words reach the damp paper. I decide to freeze this moment by preparing a very special gift for John.
I leave the park and walk until I find a store on Kensington High Street that sells local drawings. I ask for a drawing of Queen Victoria. Instead, the shop owner produces a 4-by-6 watercolor of a bench surrounded by grass and hedges in Kensington gardens.
Matted and framed, it occupied only 8.5-by-11. It will pack easily.
Around the edge of the matt, I take a fine-line black marker and write the 15 words I will say at our wedding. I promise myself we will hang the print near our bedroom for the rest of our lives.
Twenty-four years later on New Year’s Day 2018, I pass by that print each day and smile because John Edward Anderson is indeed my partner in life and in love.
Psychology knows that love is a key to our foundation of well-being and happiness.
In the Psychology Today Blog written before his death at 62, Dr. Chris Peterson said, “Other people matter. I say that in every positive psychology lecture I give and every positive psychology workshop I conduct … It is in the company of others that we often experience pleasure and certainly how we best savor its aftermath … Good relationships with other people may be a necessary condition for our own happiness, even in markedly individualist cultures like the contemporary United States.” … “The good life (is) entwined with other people. Other people matter. And we would be well served by keeping in mind that we are all the other people who can matter so much.”
The implication of these simple words is that moments of love are fluid and must be refreshed. We need to create frequent times of engagement and connection to refresh mutual caring.
To glimpse the science behind these words, consider that brain-imaging research shows that moments of love can breed wisdom, resilience and a sense of attachment because the encounter boosts oxytocin, a bonding hormone. Simply stated, love is our supreme emotion. Loving moments create a pathway that leads to greater health, happiness, and wisdom.
I wish you to love moments in 2018.
To consider: How can you boost your daily happiness, health, and wisdom in 2018? Will you make the time? Why or why not?
To read: B. Frederickson, Love 2.0. Penguin Press, 2013.
Find Dr. Coche working with couples at Rittenhouse Square and Stone Harbor. Reach her through www.cochecenter.com.
Cape May – Governor Murphy says he doesn't know anything about the drones and doesn't know what they are doing but he does know that they are not dangerous. Does anyone feel better now?
