The Deep Dark Secret of Feeling Shy

Out of breath from running around Rittenhouse Square 20 times, Elizabeth perched delicately on the edge of my couch in center city Philadelphia, grey-blue eyes offset by high cheek-bones, sandy pony tail, and earnest expression. “I’m less depressed.
Yoga and running are really helping. Spring needed to come. And I am so excited.” She paused to emphasize the magnitude of what she was about to say. “I bought a new pair of jeans, you know, the dark indigo ones that are kind of skinny? They are really cute and they fit me and it wasn’t too hard after all.” We had spent some time strategizing on how to buy jeans the last time she was in.
I pictured Elizabeth taking jeans from the rack, worrying if they would be too tight, replacing them , moving on, then returning minutes later to try on the object of her ambivalence. She had been well trained by her parents’ community to never, never look tawdry. “And I got a shirt with ruffles.” Her hands demonstrated the ruffles across her front. “They make me look like I have a shape.”
“You do have a shape,” I offered in a monotone, so that she could not dispute my statement.
“Yes, but more of a shape.” Her blush made her cheeks glow. “But the jeans actually fit because the store had a size zero petite. Thank you for explaining to me how to look for jeans. It really helped. I don’t think my jeans ever fit before.”
I smiled inside. I have known Elizabeth for 11 of her 30 years. She is one of the most articulate women I have ever worked with. Breezing through a Masters in Literature, she now organizes a college library and writes poetry at night – alone. This combo helps manage her personal nightmare: shyness, also called social anxiety. Friendly and charming with the library patrons, Elizabeth is unable to make friends or date. The three men she has known for short periods found her too cautious to get involved. She yearns daily for a wholesome, preppy guy, then marriage and a family.
“You know,” once you get a bit more confidence, how about you wear those jeans to a swing dancing class at the Ethical Society on the Square.” I forged ahead as though unaware of the terror I was instilling. I knew that unless I could expose Elizabeth to her feared situations, she would never live out marriage and children. “Oh, and before you refuse to consider one swing dancing evening, would you discuss it in your group this month?” Group therapy is treatment of choice for shyness because it exposes the shy person to others in a supportive atmosphere and creates a fan club for change. “Yes, but I am not agreeing to go to any dancing evening. At least, not yet.”
Shyness paralyzes Elizabeth in a split second, bringing rapid breathing and heart beat as soon as she plans to make friends or meet men. Despite her wish for emotional freedom she erects further barriers against success by avoiding exposure to fear arousing situations by staying home each night, though she yearns to be mingling. She writes poetry to give her emotions expression but the only person who knows this is her therapist.
And, like others who suffer from social anxiety, Elizabeth has created a world of intense romantic fantasies in which she captures the interest of her preppy guy, marries him and has babies. But tragically, her fear inhibits the very communication channels she needs to meet Mr. Right because she actually looks frightened and remains silent as soon as a potential date appears. And, her shyness impedes huge portions of her life: She finds it hard to participate in social group activities, cannot say hello when she is in a running club, is unable to read her poetry in public, cannot converse effectively with a potential date, and shuns any thought of holding a party to get to know others.
Shyness is easy to treat clinically. One builds a way to approach the fear in stages, just like I am helping Elizabeth first buy the jeans, next tackle a bit of make up, and then go out and practice having a little fun until she can feel more comfortable. Check back in a few months, and I bet you hear that Elizabeth is at that swing dancing evening, where her fluidity and big blues will showcase her as desirable. And then, we tackle what in the world she is to do about that.
To consider: Who do you know that is shy? Have they ever considered getting some help to overcome this disabling emotional state? What might they say if you broached the topic? And do you care enough to try?