“I-I-I’ll really do this, Aster. I-I am going to divorce you if we can’t hug each other or do back rubs. I mean, I know you are angry with me for losing my job, and I, well, I understand that, but this is not right.”
Voice barely above a whisper, Paul had me on the edge of my chair. He had threatened divorce from Aster before but this time it sounded like he just might be serious.
“I-I mean I don’t want us to stop being married … after all I love you, but I …” he looked downward, ashamed that his healthy human needs had brought his marriage to this point. In so doing, he dared to challenge the status quo. Small and wiry Paul had challenged Aster’s plan to remain married but keep her distance from the husband who bored her.
His stammering tirade, spit out at a near whisper, was not lost on Aster. She averted her eyes, looked down at her lap, and said nothing. She waited to gain her composure, then hissed, “I don’t feel like hugging you. You know, it would help if you would put away the laundry I fold and put in your basket for you.” Paul looked flattened by this retort.
Neither could give ground to be tender. They were lost in old themes and deeply needed someone to intervene.
They would trust me to take charge of this and guide them to safety before they hurt each other more deeply, but I was baffled by Paul’s sputtering stuttering. He rarely spoke in anger. What brought him to the precipice of divorce? I needed to know. “Paul you have been upset for a very long time. How did you decide to speak during our meeting?”
Paul twirled his wedding ring as if trying to slide it off. “I-I want to make this work. I knew, I mean I hoped that you could help us talk about this. Aster is really pretty and, well, I want to touch her and hold her.” I agreed that they could not do this alone and stepped in to help.
“Paul and Aster, do not try to talk about this on your own between now and next meeting. We are meeting next week and can continue this discussion, but let’s see if we can speak about it calmly now. Would you like that?”
“No, but it is a smart idea I suppose.” Aster registered her dismay at being asked to listen to what hurt her husband so deeply. I invited Paul to consider folding his laundry weekly. He looked down in shame and nodded agreement. “Do you really mean you will fold the laundry every week, Paul, or just until Judith forgets she asked?” Aster could be tough.
Getting Paul’s agreement was the easy part. Aster had no interest in snuggling with the boy she wished were manly. I told them it was unlikely that they were ready to cuddle but that cooperation on household tasks might help rebuild the marriage they had had and wanted again.
Both calmed at the idea of taking a constructive step. I sent them home to fold laundry together. Both looked pleased. A crisis was averted that could have brought them nearer to divorce.
How did intervention help them rebalance? Might it move them closer to successful coupling?
I assumed that they were ready to work together since they had a long history of caring for homes and children. I calculated that rebuilding domestic cooperation could help Aster be less enraged which would settle the energy between them and allow Paul to relax.
I planned that the next time we met, I would check in with them and, if the weeks went well, would suggest they go on a movie date since I know they like movies and the darkness enables holding hands without looking at the other. This also was effective and combined with the laundry and household cooperation calmed Aster for the first time in years.
To understand the success of intervention, consider the necessity of bringing calm to this marriage. It felt like a battle zone and needed to return to neutral before it could hope to succeed. The clinical training couple’s therapy now helps couples retrain their lives. Further, it helps the children of warring couples regain a home of peace.
Are Aster and Paul ready to stop therapy and make it on their own? No, but is Paul likely to divorce Aster? Not likely. With professional help, they have been able to rebalance a marriage until it feels workable for the first time in years. This could be the next step to more steps. Is this worth it? What do you think?
To consider: Did Aster and Paul make a wise decision in doing couples therapy? Would you have made the same decision? Why or why not?
To explore: John Gottman. The Science of Trust .NY, 2011. J. Charles.
Find Dr. Coche working to rebuild marriages for clients at The Coche Center, LLC, at Rittenhouse Square and in Stone Harbor. Reach her through www.cochecenter.com.
Cape May – Governor Murphy says he doesn't know anything about the drones and doesn't know what they are doing but he does know that they are not dangerous. Does anyone feel better now?
