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Thursday, July 25, 2024


School to Vanish; Eatery for Whiners

By Jack Fichter

In April 2003, I predicted Cape May would solve its parking problem by having fewer visitors as bed and breakfast inns are turned into whole house rentals. That is occurring and a number of inns are for sale.
I also predicted Villas would become a very desirable real estate market and that has also come to fruition.
I admit I was mistaken predicting Wal-Mart would not build a store in Rio Grande. I can’t get them all correct.
And now for my amazing prediction for 2007:
• Cape May will swap buildings with the Acme store on Lafayette Street, converting it into the new convention hall. (After all, it has a parking lot) The old convention hall becomes an Acme store, which will allow customers to roller skate through the store and play basketball with heads of lettuce.
• The following locations will be converted into condominiums: the crossing guard shelter at Cape May Elementary School, the dumpster behind the CVS store in West Cape May, a utility shed in Sol Cadillaco’s yard in Villas, the Concrete Ship, several cats at the ferry docks, and a fireplug on Pacific Avenue in Wildwood Crest.
•  The new garbage collection service in West Cape May will be so successful; residents will be able to tear down their historic homes and put the remains out at the curb for pick up each Tuesday.
• Lower Township will sign a contract with Wawa for emergency medical services in Diamond Beach since Wildwood Crest will stop their EMS service soon. Wawa employes will be given stethoscopes, military surplus ambulances, and a supply of narcotics. Diamond Beach residents will be delighted because Wawa paramedics will carry hot coffee and hoagies in their ambulances.
• After being angered by ungrateful residents of Cape May Point, the Army Corps of Engineers will return with a large vacuum ship and remove the refurbished beaches. It will leave behind a two-foot wide beach. The borough will offer a “beach tag for life” for $1.29.
• Cape May and the Taxpayers Association of Cape May will continue their drive to dissolve the Lower Cape May Regional School district. In retaliation, Lower Township will put tollbooths at the bridges on Lafayette Street and Seashore Road. Admission to Cape May will be based on the value of your house. Steve Sheftz will be appointed commissioner of bridges. Most Cape May residents will pay $75 to cross the bridge. In the meantime, regional school officials will find a way to make the school invisible, sort of like the military’s Philadelphia Experiment. “You want it dissolved? How about invisible?” Superintendent Jack Pfizenmayer will proclaim.
• In order to escape new state affordable housing rules, many towns will hire experts in bending the rules. West Cape May will offer low cost tree houses, Cape May Point will offer underwater cabins, Cape May will house the poor in surplus submarines at the Coast Guard base, and Lower Township will have to educate all the children. Wildwood will offer a firing squad.
• Hurricane Zelda will sit offshore in September sending days and days of rain and high wind. After lingering for three days, the storm will be converted into a condominium.
• Cape May and the Wildwood will preserve the last existing motel in the area as a museum. A plaque on the building will read, ” This is how poor people once vacationed at the shore.” The last house on a corner lot in the Wildwoods will also be preserved as a museum.
• Bill Saponaro will have second thoughts about converting the former Franklin Street Methodist Church into condominiums. Instead, he will convert it into a combination worship center and shoe store. It will be called “All Soles Church.”
• Inspired by the Herald’s Spout Off’s, a local businessman will open a restaurant for complainers who like hot dogs. It will be called “Wiener’s and Whiners.”

Spout Off

Lower Township – RE: EXIT 0 Light. I had someone behind me at the red light getting on to the GSP. They were honking at me to move up so they could make the left hand turn. I wouldn't move up and made them wait…

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Wildwood Crest – Does anyone on our island see the need for more housing options for our workers who support and work here and keep our businesses thriving?

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Cape May – Any new info on the lawn that was installed on the dunes in Avalon?

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