Marriage, 2016 Style: How to Make It Work!

Ever since I met the dynamo that is Brenden Ostaszewski, I have heard about “Nicole,” his girlfriend. I learned bit by bit, that Nicole is training to be a teacher, Brendan hoped to marry her, the families know each other, the couple had been going together for over 5 years and they had met in a collegiate environment. 
As some readers know, I have been married for nearly 50 years to two stellar men. I married John Anderson 3 years after Dr. Erich Coche died suddenly at age 49. I also specialize in working with couples using my clinical psychology skills. So I am a fan of being successfully married, and I was delighted for Brenden. He was certain that this was right.
Next I learned that Brenden was planning to surprise Nicole at the holidays with, “Will you marry me?” In fact, he was planning to keep Nicole in the dark by inviting his parents and her parents to New York for dinner and a casual walk around Rockefeller Center in New York, where, he just happened to have a diamond ring in his pocket waiting to be tried on her unknowing finger. Brenden really handled the evening masterfully. Not only did he propose with both sets of parents in tow, he proposed in the high romance of Rockefeller Center with a photographer ready to capture the moment for history!
As 2016 stretches ahead of us, it is timely to address the question so often asked of me. Clients, worried about divorce or coming from a bad first marriage want to avoid disaster and often ask, “Is there any research on marriage or is it really luck of the draw?” The good news is that we know a good bit about being successfully married. For example, David Popenoe, PhD, gives us information about how to marry well:
1. Do not marry too young. People who marry in their teens are two to three times more likely to divorce than people who marry later.
2. People are most likely to find a future marriage partner through a personal introduction. Nearly 60% of married people were introduced by family, friends, or co-workers.
3. People who are similar in their values, backgrounds and life goals are more likely to have a successful marriage than people who are very different in their backgrounds and networks.
4. Women and men who are college-educated are more likely to marry, and less likely to divorce, than people with lower levels of education.
6. Living together before marriage has not proved useful as a “trial marriage.” Psychology Today informs us that people who have multiple cohabiting relationships before marriage are more likely to experience marital conflict and eventual divorce than people who do not cohabit and that the cohabitation experience itself contributes to problems in marriage.
7. Married people do better economically. Marital social norms that encourage healthy, productive behavior and wealth accumulation play a role.
8. People who are married are more likely to have emotionally and physically satisfying sex lives than single people or those who live together. The higher level of commitment in marriage is probably the reason for the high level of reported sexual satisfaction.
I think of meeting a future marriage partner as a “happening,” an event that comes but once or twice in most lifetimes and changes the course of life from that point on. From my vantage point as the couples therapist of choice for many couples each month, I can unequivocally state that the choice of a partner will impact both physical and mental health from that point on for both partners. If the greatest human need is to love, as scientists tell us, then loving wisely is a pathway to personal success and happiness.
To Brenden and Nicole and to the many other couples who got engaged this holiday season, “Bon Voyage!” And, Brenden and Nicole, you actually managed to hit some of the key research findings in your choice of partner. You are not marrying as teen agers, you have known each other for years, and your families know one another, you are college educated and you share common values and goals. You have a high likelihood of a successful marriage according to current research.
To consider: What did you look for in your marriage partner? Di you overlook anything? Do you wish you had knowledge of the research before you got engaged? Why? Why not?
To explore: David Popenoe, PhD . Information from Ten Important Research Findings on Marriage and Choosing a Marriage Partner: Helpful Facts for Young Adults (New Brunswick, N.J.: National Marriage Project at Rutgers University, November 2004)
Dr Judith Coche is located at The Coche Center, LLC in Stone Harbor and at Rittenhouse Square, where she works with couples, families and people of all ages. Find her at www.cochecenter.com.