Happiness is not a matter of intensity but of balance, order, rhythm and harmony. – Thomas Merton
Stone Harbor and surrounds has the feel in winter of a genteel and lovely town in which many seniors spend relaxed days enjoying the out of doors and each other. Husband John and I travel back and forth between our beach cottage on the marshlands and our home at Rittenhouse Square where I recently attended a fundraiser for Penn’s Village, an aging-in-place resource for seniors in Center City Philadelphia.
The synergy of the evening was evident: sophisticated, mostly grey and white haired adults sat on classically designed white sofas and chatted with one another, sipping wine, eating gourmet fare, and listening to the advantages of a community resource for active seniors.
I settled into my velvet-seated antique mahogany side chair and was pleased to hear an announcement of a musical duo, Kerri Ryan and husband William Polk, who enjoys none less than Philadelphia Orchestra careers as assistant principal violist and second violin.
Smiling warmly, Polk announced that they would play a bit of Mozart. From my seat close to and in back of Polk, I could see every nuance in Ryan’s magnificent relationship with the viola that clearly lives in her heart.
Alert both to Polk and to the rhythm, she allowed skill and instinct to take over, creating seeming perfection in delivery and timing. Frequently she would cast one eye up and to her right, where she touched base with Polk in a minisecond of the essence of musical and marital rhythm and balance.
Impressed with the ease with which they engaged their listeners, I wanted to learn more about them and to share their stories with readers interested in the complexities of marriage, so I approached them after their performance.
They graciously agreed to be casually interviewed and we snapped a cell-phone photo in front of the Picasso original in the red dining room.
Ryan and Polk are very active musically. Assistant Principal Violist Kerri Ryan came to the Philadelphia Orchestra from the Minnesota Orchestra, as did husband James William Polk, who dropped his first name and goes simply by “William.”
Following her graduation from the Curtis Institute of Music, Ryan served as associate concertmaster of the Charleston Symphony. Violinist Polk has many musical credits around the country.
Together, they founded the Minneapolis Quartet, winning a McKnight Artist Fellowship. And they train young musicians as part of their vision. They epitomize two brilliant musical careers in one marriage.
As a clinical supervisor in marriage and family therapy and a faculty member teaching interpersonal relationship expertise at The University of Pennsylvania, I was interested in how this deeply layered marriage took form, and they were only too happy to reminisce about their early years together. They met when they were 11 and 13 years old, with no idea that they would ever marry.
They both attended a musical summer camp in Tennessee and played music together as friends before romance ever entered the scene. That was many years ago, and, from the looks of it, they have been making music together on many levels ever since. Two young children, Vivian and William, frequently join them in making music as a family. The multi-level success of this couple is both evident and inspirational.
Healthy relationships need both balance and rhythm. A few elements are key in marriage. Ryan and Polk demonstrate marital ease on many levels.
- Commitment. Marriage is central to the life of each member and the children who grow in an optimal environment of love and security. “Til death do us part” is both literal and figurative. Commitment creates the foundation of the marriage.
- Intimacy. Intimacy requires a level of honesty unparalleled in more casual relationships. Intimacy is created and sustained through shared experiences where we laugh, play, affirm and touch the person we love.
- Chemistry. We are driven to enjoy sex with others, but selective in those we choose. Physical attraction can build from shared experiences. The depth of meaning and pleasure in committed and skillful coupling becomes the center of the universe of both members of the couple, neither forgotten nor regretted. The loss at death is devastating, but worth the solidity of ongoing partnering throughout adult life.
Music is a viable metaphor for marriage: Rhythm, balance and harmony work together to create a life with a solid foundation that is constantly in flux.
The synchrony and harmony create enjoyment, safety and pleasure.
To Consider: Would you change your life to be more engaged with your partner and your neighbors? How hard might that be for you to achieve? Might it be worth it to you? Why or why not?
To read: Younger Next Year. Chris Crowley and Henry S. Lodge, M.D. 2005. Audio book published by High Bridge Press.
Dr. Coche helps local couples create marital magic through couples therapy at The Coche Center, LLC, a practice in Clinical Psychology in stone Harbor and Rittenhouse Square, Philadelphia. Reach her through www.cochecenter.com
