Making Life Work…Creating Happiness: Yes You Can

Last week I sat with newlyweds who were arguing about how much to spend on clothing. The groom grew up poverty stricken but married into a family with affluence. The young couple was worried because the bride said it made her happy to wear $300 shoes and the groom was terrified that they would never make it financially and could never be happy. I understood his concern and told them that I knew lots about what makes people happy. I asked them, “If I could tell you how to think and what to do to be happy, would you pay attention?”
They said they wanted to learn how to create a happy life together, so I told them that I might be able to help, but warned them that it is not easy to create happiness. Happiness requires intense motivation to take best care of one’s self and others day after day, despite a natural human tendency to want to remain in bed.
It is not easy to practice the skills required to be happy, but it is feasible. They asked me to tell them the ingredients of daily satisfaction. To simplify this rich and quickly changing field, we addressed two basic questions. How do you need to think to flourish in life? Which daily behaviors lead to fulfilled days?
There are a lucky seven attributes that contribute to individual happiness for most people.
Happy people are optimistic: They expect the best from their efforts. They picture a future where their hopes and dreams will be realized.
Happy people savor life: Happy people live in the here-and-now and capitalize on each positive experience. They create and enjoy small indulgences, which make hour-to-hour living pleasurable.
Happy people have a spiritual dimension. They have a sense of purpose larger than their self that imbues their life with meaning, and connecting them to their community.
Happy people invest in a few deeply satisfying humps. Stated simply, “Happiness is other people.” Research shows us that a few deep interpersonal relationships are considered a necessary condition for personal well-being.
Your best investment is to develop skills to enhance your deepest human relationships and to be able to talk out troubles with the people you live with.
Happy people pursue goals. The joy derived from pursuing and reaching one’s goals creates a highly personal sense of happiness.
Happy people are helpful: Happiness is a by-product of helping others. Research tells us that it is better to give than receive: Giving money creates greater well-being than spending that money. Regular service to others is a secret to sustainable happiness. Couples research tells us that it feels more life enhancing to give love than receive it.
Happy people are grateful. Accumulating wealth does not make one happier. After one’s basic needs are met, the relationship between money and happiness levels off to near zero. Happy people are content with what they do have in their life. Research tells us that the expression of gratitude is actually causally linked to happiness: Remembering and reflecting on the good things in our lives increases appreciation for the abundances that happy individuals have. It helps to count our blessings.
Then I told the newlyweds that, in addition to the way we think, our daily activities can enhance satisfaction. Happiness is actually a way of living. The daily activities most associated with happiness are sex and socializing after work, while the daily activity most injurious to happiness is commuting. As they set up their daily activities, I coached them to try to set up days with “absence of negative.” This allows happiness to occur.
They were delighted to learn what they thought of as the best news of all. Happiness is subjective and to a large degree, within our control. If we know what we like and do it, we can set up our lives to be quite happy. It takes daily practice to be happy for the rest of our lives, but we can thank ourselves and each other each day we practice the skills.
Our newlyweds are on their way to a program of creating happiness. Would you like to join them?
To consider: Can you create your own happiness? I expect you can. As rigorous as this program seems, it feels good to change in this direction. And for those of you who need a bit of help, psychotherapy is a frequent resource to be applied to human well being. So, if you are lounging on the beach or snuggled in a fat couch as you read this, allow yourself to take on the path to personal happiness. What greater gift could you give yourself this week?
To Read: Martin Seligman. Authentic Happiness. Simon and Schuster, NY 2002.