Making Life Work – Yes You Can…Starting Over

As fall and winter appear on the horizon, those who have suffered horrific losses look forward to a long and lonely winter, but the prospect of meeting a companion seems unlikely and terrifying.
It certainly did to Carol. Jim, her husband of 18 years, had died in a freak accident on the Garden State Parkway when an 18-wheeler crunched the convertible he insisted on driving with the top down. Dead on impact, there had been no goodbyes.
Three years later Carol was both trying to move on and hold fast to her old life. She was frozen.
“I would feel unfaithful to Jim if I remarry. Suppose Jim wants to reunite once we are both dead. Why, I would never forgive myself. I mean, I know there is no scientific proof of life after death, but you never know. Besides I know he watches over me and I do not want to hurt him by being with another man.”
Carol searched in my eyes for confirmation but did not find it. My common sense told me that it was not likely that her husband, dead for three years, would hold it against her if she were to recouple.
“Lots of people believe in the after life,” she pushed on. “And what is so wrong about a few tokens of my love for him in my bedroom? Don’t I have the right to put his pajamas on the bed so they keep me company each night?
It helps his spirit enter the room. She looked imploringly, “Maybe I’m wrong but you lost a husband to death…you just must understand why this is so important to me!”
I well remembered the crushing blow of losing a 49-year-old husband to cancer in 1991. “I really do understand. But if you are so convinced that there is no mileage in recoupling why the push for a sexier wardrobe and a younger way to wear your hair? Last month you lived hunched over www.match.com trying to find men within a 50-mile radius.
You got so excited about the one that reminded you of your first boyfriend.” I held my breath as I waited for her reaction.
“There you go again being rational. It is unkind of you to remind me that I don’t make sense when so much of holding it together depends on knowing that Jim is with me every minute. And you know I always take the big photos of us off the wall before I invite another man for coffee at my house.
I just don’t think I can start over again.” This stunning widow looked despondent as she got to the bottom of her resistance to move forward with her life. Her grief was immense.
My heart hurt for her. She was not yet ready to let the past go “Let’s keep working with it,” I offered quietly. Let’s consider a way that you can love Jim while you go on and live your life? I really believe that you can, Carol. Yes, you can.”
More time and more work was needed but I felt confident that she move through the death so that her life could take form again.
Most adults need 2-3 years to overcome a traumatic divorce or death of a spouse, and the process has stages that are both predictable and necessary for later emotional health. Elizabeth Kuebler-Ross identified five stages in dealing with huge loss:
1. Denial – “I feel fine;” “This can’t be happening to me.”
2. Anger – “Why me? It’s not fair;” “How can this happen to me?” “Who is to blame?”
Bargaining – “Couldn’t he come back just for a day?” as though one wants to bargain to lessen the finality of the loss at least a little.
3. Depression – “I’m so sad, why bother with anything? I miss my loved one, why go on?”
Much time is spent crying and grieving which allows the person to disconnect.
4. Acceptance – “I can’t fight it, I may as well prepare for it.” One comes to terms with the mortality of their loved one.
The road to acceptance is slow and excruciating, but it can and must be done. Even though Carol does not think she will ever recover from this loss, I am confident that before much longer, the new hairstyle and clothes will fit the person inside, and life will improve. Yes, Carol can.
To consider: Do you know someone grieving and, if so, what might you do to reach out to them? If you are grieving yourself, how might you reach out and touch someone who cares about you? And, in case you have doubts, yes, you can.
To read: Elizabeth Kuebler Ross, Encountering Death and Dying. Chelsea, 2005.
(Coche of Stone Harbor educates the public in mental health issues. She can be reached at jmcoche@gmail.com or 215-859-1050.)