Making Life Work – Quaking in Her Boots: What Is Courage, Really?

The courage to be is the courage to accept oneself,
being unacceptable. ¬ — Paul Tillich
Just under 5 foot 3 inches tall, Nora’s slim frame creates the impression that there is less to her than there actually is. Growing up in a family that pushed her to excel beyond her comfort level, Nora was forced to overcome shyness (almost to the point of social phobia), in order to perform in voice recitals that her father organized despite her tearful protestations. Frightened for much of her childhood, overwhelming stress contributed to one bodily symptom after another, until it was hard to know what was physical and what was emotional.
Terrified of countering her type-A father, she learned that crying softly under her breath could get his sympathy. As she grew older, she adopted tearful moments as a form of emotional management: she became quiet and dependent, fearful of speaking her very fine mind. No slouch at academics, Nora earned a Ph.D. in community organization at age 28. However, her anxiety prevented her from making group presentations, necessary in her career: she would literally shake from her toes up if required to present in public, despite feedback that these presentations were well received.
Frail and teary eyed, Nora came to therapy 14 years ago to learn to live life normally. She wanted no part of medication. “I know I am doing this the hard way but the only thing wrong with me is that I’m so scared all the time. I would rather learn to do this work from the inside out than to rely on medication for the rest of my life. I’ll do whatever it takes.”
After two years of individual therapy, I recommended group psychotherapy as the best way to overcome a fear of groups. With a deer-in-headlights expression, she predicted, “I won’t say a word for months. If I want to speak, I will stop myself. This will torture me at first. But I can gather my courage and do it. ”
Nora joined a high functioning group of warm and friendly adults. She barely spoke in the first year. One member called her “10 Minute Nora” because she shrank back until a member would say, “So before the group ends, how are you?” Wanting to be polite, she would say as few words as possible because she feared so many aspects of the group: What did others think of her? Might she inadvertently hurt a member? Could she be wrong? This was rough going.
“Next year, you need to speak more to get better results. “ I hoped that my statement would simultaneously intimidate and motivate her, and motivate her it did. She decided to speak at least 30 minutes per meeting and asked members to hold her to her contract with herself. Members caringly prodded more from Nora, making it impossible for her anxiety to get the best of her. They congratulated her as she pushed through her anxiety to become became a full group member. Her group found her insightful and supportive. Her courage had triumphed.
After four years in the group, Nora needed therapy only sporadically, returning to do more growing when she became stuck. Now married, she and her husband recently joined a couples group. Watching her quiet but authoritative manner, it was hard to imagine the Nora from earlier. Other group members expressed disbelief that she had been socially anxious. Leadership style firm, her depth and genuineness now prod other members to work more effectively.
Reflecting on the number of changes that Nora has made, I am struck by the courage of this petite person who needed to overcome terror to be fully herself. As Nora shows us, courage is a personal resolve to push through terrifying situations in order to exercise a sense of self-regard that demands that we overcome adversity.
Philosopher Paul Tillich called this basic human birthright “the courage to be.” Only by conquering unrealistic fears can we live the life that is in our heart. In fact, the word courage comes from the French word for heart, coeur. That self that is in our heart musters strength to push through fearful adversity. Love of others and deep self-regard becomes the catalyst for courageous action.
Nora’s courage to overcome her unrealistic fears was born of her healthy yet realistic self-regard. And like Nora, when push comes to shove, sometimes we actually are able to exceed even our own expectations by looking deep within and summoning this internal strength. And that is very courageous indeed.
To consider: Do I exercise courage to overcome painful self limitations? How might my life be more satisfying if I exercised courage more frequently?
To Read: Paul Tillich. The Courage To Be. Yale Press, 2000.