Making Life Work — It’s Just Stuff- Handling the Aftermath of Sandy

Second Adulthood has been defined by Dr. Catherine Bateson, as that period in life where one era passes, still leaving a stretch of free time and good health before us. A delightful time. Cape May County is a destination residence for many in second adulthood because the climate and the culture signal fun and beauty. But less than two days ago, Cape May County was a destination for Sandy, the Frankenstorm that swept the East Coast and nearly internally flooded our FEMA compliant marshlands cottage.
Disasters bring emotional crises. During Sandy I handled an emergency phone call with Art, a client who has a large ocean front home in Cape May. Art was desperately trying to calm his wife, Jan. “Tell her that this is a force of nature greater than we are, and that we ought not to stress ourselves by worrying. Could you speak with us briefly to remind her that she is missing what is most important here? She is overlooking that we are safe from danger.” The mega-anxiety of this mega-storm was harming both clients.
To steer them away from arguing, I asked Art how he viewed the potential loss of their prized home. In the background the TV featured videos of 80-mile-per-hour wind on the ocean, with reports that further devastation was due at high tide. “Historic Cape May is underwater” the TV reported as we spoke.
“Jan forgets what is most important when she gets this nervous. This is not our only home and we have cash on reserve so, for us, this is about what I call ‘just stuff.’ Some of us have a little bit of stuff, and some of us have lots of stuff, but it is all, after all, just stuff. What really matters is each other, our kids, our grand kids, and our animals. And they are all safe and sound.”
Wanting to hear him say more, I asked, “How did you come to think of life this way?”
“I grew up poor, worked hard, and prospered. I am happy our daughter could have her dream wedding but I never thought that material goods are more important than people. When I managed people, I really cared how they were, how they felt, how engaged they were in our work together. I got promoted again and again and got feedback that my managerial style was compassionate and engaged. I am equally as engaged in my marriage now as I was in my work. I want to know how Jan feels, what worries her, and how happy she is. Family comes first, always has, always will.”
I pulled Jan in by asking her to respond to her husband’s wisdom. “Well, as happens often, Art is both right and wise. We have been given a second chance at happiness in our 60s. We are not about to waste it on what he calls “just stuff.” But how can I stop myself from obsessing? ” Together we outlined some cognitive strategies to substitute constructive and positive thoughts for the negativity and fear that become second nature to Jan. I coached her to concentrate on constructive thoughts. She decided to focus on what a great job the local officials were doing in keeping everyone safe in a dire emergency.
Just before I wrote this column, I heard that the house stands overlooking the ocean just as it has for 80 years. “The real lesson,” Jan admitted, “was that my priorities were off base. Keeping in synch with Art and my family is really the center of this era in my life. Always has been, always will be. ”
One of the joys of second adulthood is that we can focus on those we love. Health is intact, finances are secure. There is time to engage deeply in challenging physical activity, special projects, volunteer work, and meaningful pursuits. When we have “Flow, or optimal experience, we are engaged physically, emotionally and cognitively in the moment at hand. Time seems to stop as we lose ourselves in our interests like family and work. But whatever matters most, it is not likely to be material possessions.”
Art’s offhanded reference to his beach front home as “just stuff” gives reason to ponder how fortunate many of us are in the aftermath of Frankenstorm Sandy. Please do take a moment to count your fortune not as material possessions, but as the smiles on those who surround you as we all return to our fulfilling careers and relationships with humans and pets.
To Consider: How would the understanding that material possessions are often “just stuff” free my life? How might my life benefit?
To Read: Flow: The Psychology of Optimal Experience. Mihaly Csikszentmihalyi