“It takes people to make people sick and it takes people to make people well.”
Harry Stack Sullivan
Tim and Kelly sat beaming at each other, ready to graduate from their advanced couples’ psychother-apy group. It was hard to tell who had deeper blue eyes as they looked at one another with pride. “I don’t think we would have gotten married without the work we did during our engagement,” Kelly stated matter of factly. An executive coach for not-for-profits, Kelly carried herself elegantly. Somehow she always seemed to know the right thing to say. Tim, a tweed-clad professor of economics, had a cutting humor that could catch one off guard with one-liners that left the recipient simultaneously laughing and wincing.
“Oh, I might have been able to convince you, but I don’t think it would have lasted. I divorce quick, as witnessed by my three other wives.” Other group members smiled, remembering Tim’s well-told escapades in marital disaster.
“It has been an inspiration to have you in this group,” Nancy stated. “Nothing was too tough for you to tackle. Even during Tim’s heart attack, you didn’t come unglued. Not sure we could have done that,” husband Greg grimaced.
Kelly nodded. “In earlier years, Tim would have bellowed at me from the hospital bed to take him home instantly, and I would have dissolved into a pool of tears. His humor and his anger are very close together and I lived for a long time in abject terror that he would cut me to the quick. He is so good at it.”
Simon broke in: “Tim, I don’t know how you manage your anger so well. When Amy looks at me a certain way I blow a fuse and she leaves the room.”
Tim looked down at his pressed khaki knees. “It was really hard to learn. I used to only hear what sounded like insults. It would make me so mad that I would let loose because I thought she de-served that. But through the work here I learned that Kelly hurts when she tells me things that are hard for me to hear and when I yell at her it hurts her even more. I began to listen to her, even when I didn’t want to know what she had to say.
It was very, very hard at first but I love her so much, and don’t want to imagine life without her, that I tried to stay positive and listen up while she was speak-ing. It helped to remind myself how much she loves me. I found that it is much better when I remain calm because, when Kelly hurts, I hurt too. As a college professor, I actually like being hard on myself because it keeps me sharp, but when I think of Kelly, there is something so uplifting about being with her that I want to sound softer so she doesn’t need to shut me out and…”
Kelly continued his sentence for him. “Yea, we began to aim for being honest and upbeat with one another rather than getting into niggly fights.” So I would remember how much Tim loves me, how grateful I am that he is with me after the heart at-tack, and how proud I am that we no longer do verbal boxing. It really isn’t hard to learn and it has made all the difference.” Tim and Kelly graduated from their couples therapy group and have recently moved to partial retirement, giving them more time for their beloved beach walks.
The ability to delight in how much someone cares for you creates positive living. Kindness and skillful interpersonal life allow a couple to feel lov-ing towards one another, the greatest of human needs. It feels great to be part of something that is good at its core. Relationships create feelings of gratitude, joy, achievement and engagement. Inti-mate partners can learn skills, which boost a sub-jective sense of well being, creating grit, determination, resiliency in dealing with conflict, and char-acter strengths.
The core contribution of positive relationships to flourishing is that good relationships enable us to feel happy. Happiness is about other people.
Very little that is positive is solitary; we want to know that there are people in our life who really care about us. And because other people are the best antidote to feeling bad, doing a kindness pro-duces the single most reliable momentary increase in well being. So this week, take a moment and make someone happy. I bet you know how.
To consider: what can I do to increase happi-ness in the life of someone I love? Is it worth it?
To read: Susan Johnson. Hold Me Tight. Little, Brown. 2008
(Coche of Stone Harbor educates the public in mental health issues. She can be reached at tcctcs@earthlink.net or 215-735- 1908.)
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