Making Life Work – Can We Please Add Thoughtfulness to Our Marriage Vows?

“Thoughtlessness can be anything from annoying to heartbreaking Thoughtfulness Is nearly always heartwarming and.. frankly, it is not much of a task “
Miss Manners
Hannah wept profusely as Ray, her husband of 22 years, watched. “Ray, can’t you do something to comfort me?” Her demand charged the air with neediness. Ray looked at me for guidance, and, seeing no answer on my face, said, “I just don’t know what to do when this happens. Nothing I do feels comforting to you.”
Hannah began to weep heavily. Gathering steam, she demanded, “I am your wife and you never support me when I weep like this and it just makes it worse because…”
I broke in. “Whoa. Ray is clueless about how to cut through your upset, right, Ray? ”
“Yea…and holding her does not help. I’ve been trying to get this right for 20 years. And to be completely honest”…his earnest hazel eyes met mine signaling that he knew he was about slip into trouble with his wife…” it is really hard to listen to this. No matter what I do it is never enough and…well…it actually makes me angry. I have my own life.
It feels inconsiderate – even a little unfair – that her needs take precedence over mine. I keep hoping she will wake up, but she never does. “He looked down.
“Hannah, can you understand what Ray is saying? He is there for you emotionally. But he needs you to try not to hijack his daily life every time you feel this upset.” Ray looked at me and conveyed silent thanks.
“But I thought that part of marriage was getting support from your partner.” Her voice became shrill as she crescendoed to “Isn’t it? Isn’t it right for my partner to hold me when I am crying? And to comfort me…” The crying escalated the shrillness so I interrupted again.
“Hannah, Ray is asking that you be more considerate of him and you are able to do this. Let’s simply coach you in how to consider his needs as well as yours. It’s easy.” I had been blunt in order to get her attention and the room fell silent. I hoped that my feedback would not unleash another torrent.
Hannah looked confused. “You mean that I need to be considerate even when I am this upset? I sure never thought of that.” Hannah was ready to move forward to become more considerate of Ray for the first time in decades.
Ray and Hannah love each other and mean only the best for one another. But somehow thoughtfulness got overlooked when Hannah took her marriage vows and these vows provide the contract for our lives together. Traditional marriage vows cover loyalty (”in sickness and in health”), permanence (“till death do us part”), and security (“for richer or for poorer”).
Yet being thoughtful of your partner’s emotional provides the emotional foundation for mature loving of another person. It would be wise to add thoughtfulness to our marriage vows.
Being considerate includes a process of a kind and thoughtful regard for the needs, wants and habits of others in plotting one’s own course of action. In marriage, thoughtfulness requires holding awareness of the psychological reality of the partner in making one’s own decisions. Raised in a culture that highly values personal ambition, many partners do not realize that they are being demanding and self-centered when they meet their own needs to the exclusion of the equally valid needs of their partners.
How can we learn to more considerate of others even when we are lost in our own pain?
1. Read body language and expressions. Because Hannah loves Ray and knows him well, she can read him easily. If she remains aware of him when she is upset, she can read his upset in his face or the tension of his body.
2. Ask how the other feels. Hannah is quite capable of asking how Ray feels even when she gets upset . Her memory of this conversation can guide her when she is next upset and she can handle herself accordingly.
3. Rethink the importance of remaining thoughtful. The Because Hannah does not mean to be inconsiderate, it will be easy for her to choose to remain thoughtful even when upset. Once she sets the goal of remaining considerate, she will be able to be considerate.
To consider: How can my behavior be more considerate of those I love? Do I get lost in my own reactions and overlook that I am self centered? How might I love another more skillfully by setting the goal of being more considerate?
To Read: Judith Martin. Miss Manners Guide for the Turn of the Millennium. New York, Simon and Schuster, 1990.
(Coche of Stone Harbor educates the public in mental health issues. She can be reached at tcctcs@earthlink.net or 215-735- 1908.)