I’ve been deluged by communications from local men upset that the Herald published a “Women Making a Difference” section last week.
Claiming bias and injustice, a dozen of them have banded together in an organization called WAMCL — What Are Men, Chopped Liver?
They’ve retained a civil rights attorney and the Herald is waiting for the other runningshoe to drop.
Many people — men and women — sent me their nominations for men making a difference. I picked a selection committee made up of three county prison inmates and three Police Academy cadets and established that I would break all ties.
In fact, all the votes resulted in ties, which I had to break.
These are the finalists with excerpts from their nominating petitions:
• Macon Haye of Ocean View.
Haye, after a night of bowling in Somers Point in 1981, devised the scheme to get free State Police protection for Upper Township, later expanded to include Dennis Township and Woodbine.
Haye was having his third beer with a diverse group of ner-do-wells complaining about their local taxes. He correctly predicted that the cost of police would escalate.
Using preemptive action, the way George W. Bush would later attack Iraq, Haye took his con-cerns to local elected officials and made two points:
One. State Police protection was better than no protection at all.
Two. State Police communications with the press and public were so bad that the public would never learn who was arrested for what, ensuring the community a crime-free image.
Officials bought into his proposal, convinced the State Police, and the Haye RUBE (Racket Undoubtedly Best for Everybody) plan went into effect. The municipalities have saved mil-lions.
• Peter Putter of Villas.
Putter is the forward-thinking duffer who, using chess board strategy, came up with the plan to change the 18-hole Ponderlodge golf course to a nine-hole golf course.
Putter is probably the worst golfer in the county, regularly shooting about 180. His motivation was that he could score a 90 on nine holes and use that score in conversations without revealing that it was a half-course.
Working two steps ahead of the bureaucracy, he devised this plan. First, he spread rumors that a builder would put 4,700 dwelling units on the site. Lower Township residents promptly rallied to “save” the property.
He correctly anticipated that, after the Green Acres program would, in fact, “save” the land from development, a contingent of golfers would demand it resume as a golf course.
Finally, he presumed — right again — that the state DEP would compromise with the offer of a nine-hole golf course and the remainder in its natural state — a respite for missing golf balls.
• Wealthy Luke Intomyas of Stone Harbor became a millionaire not when his house was reas-sessed, although that helped, but from his invention of new ways to use hypnosis.
Intomyas was pretty much a bum, living in the tiny cottage his great-grandmother left him and waiting for property values to escalate.
He sent away for a hypnosis kit out of sheer boredom and soon found he could hypnotize his dog into thinking he had large kidneys and only had to be walked once a week.
Moving on to humans, Intomyas got a spiffy contract from Cape Assist to use hypnosis to help people stop smoking.
After that, there was no stopping him, with classes in how to sleep better through hypnosis, lose weight through hypnosis, and how to drive into Stone Harbor on 96th Street through hyp-nosis.
He had a serious setback with his course on how to feel younger with hypnosis. Presenting a program to Stone Harbor seniors, he lost control and all the seniors reverted to 20-year-olds. They jumped into their cars and screeched off into Avalon where they rioted, slashing car tires, breaking store windows, and hanging Mayor Marty Pagliughi in effigy.
No one was injured, but a number of them were mighty lame the next day.
Intomyas was sued, settled out of court, but found himself about where he was before learning hypnosis. That was when he discovered the freeholder freeze.
His experiments showed that members of the public at freeholder meetings could put free-holders into a deep sleep by repeating into the microphone in a special cadence certain sets of words: birds, fish, mosquitoes, trees, etc. I can’t reveal the entire list because it’s copywrited.
He gave the hypnosis tool for free to Ruth Fisher, enabling her to constantly claim, “You ha-ven’t heard a word I said.” Then he realized where his real market lie.
Intomyas sold the scheme to county Democrats who plan to use it as part of their upcoming freeholder campaign, which will include such slogans as: “They Don’t Listen to You,” “Elect Someone Who Cares,” and “Asleep at the Switch.”
The cash price was significant, but Intomyas also has been promised a job as director of Emergency Management when Democrats win. He’ll be expected to hypnotize the populace into thinking Cape May County is a terrorist target.
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