Is It Safe to Remain Wed to Jed?

Domestic violence is the occurrence of one or more of the following 14 criminal offenses upon a person protected under the Prevention of Domestic Violence Act (PDVA) of 1991: homicide, assault, terroristic threats, kidnapping, criminal restraint, false imprisonment, sexual assault, criminal sexual contact, lewdness, criminal mischief, burglary, criminal trespass, harassment or stalking. The parties must have had a specific relationship: marriage; separation; divorce; living together in the same household at present or in the past; someone you dated or had a child with, or someone with whom you are going to have a child in common.
The Coche Center has served Cape May County since 1986 and has assisted with life situations of domestic violence. Jed and Kristin needlessly ended a marriage that could have benefited from treatment. What can we all learn from their lives?
Jed and Kristin came in for an initial consult in February 2014. They looked really unhappy. Kristin stared dully at the corner of the ceiling whenever Jed cursed, which was frequently. Kristin was understated: “We moved to Cape May because we fell in love here in 1984. We couldn’t afford this town today.” But Kristin could get riled up enough to bombard Jed with word torrents and small objects. And Jed could give it back. Jed actually only seemed to be the heavy: the couple was evenly matched once their words became swords.
Convinced that marriage work was ineffective, Jed cancelled one appointment after another. I removed cost as a deterrent and suggested a modestly priced communication workshop. Jed’s bravado about “wimps who get help” prevented their attendance. And Jed was clearly sarcastic about considering a group for couples: “It’d be great to do six hours of psychobabble.” Jed and Kristin came a few times, and then vanished.
March, 2014: Jed and Kristin came in once. Karen was despondent: “I know we can get better but Jake refuses to come in. He says I am the problem.” Karen sopped up tear puddles. Jake sat ramrod straight and bellowed: “I’ve been here enough. I paid good money, and look at her: “….she is still the same (expletive) I married! If you could teach Miss Smart Mouth here to hold her (expletive) tongue, I wouldn’t need to yell!” I wondered what Jed had learned about tenderness as a child but knew better than to raise that.
September, 2014: Jed and Kristin are divorcing. Kristin had Jed hauled in on charges of domestic violence after she fell down a flight of stairs during a marital argument. Jed says he meant no harm to Kristin. They both say they love each other and always will. The kids are furious and scared because they wanted to continue to come home to two parents they love.
February, 2015: Kristin continues to work in therapy both individually and as part of her women’s psychotherapy group. She is working through the deep psychological and physical damage caused by the domestic violence. The children now spend some weekends with Jed.
Jed and Karen might have learned enough to remain successfully married, had they come in before contempt became the predominant marital language. Jake being dead set against letting himself or anybody else know he could use some help, clinched the avalanche towards divorce. So, as of today, Karen is continuing her work with us. She is trying to involve the nearly adult kids to minimize their trauma from recent events. Their daughter will get involved in growth work, but their son is convinced he needs none of it.
I feel sad as I compare Jed and Kristin’s outcome with couples who came to the communication course Jed turned down. Some of these couples later joined a monthly group that meets monthly. These couples want better sex, better communication around tough stuff, and greater intimacy. We completed research that informs us that all five of these couples report feeling more cohesive and are better able to talk through tough stuff. Perhaps the optimist in me refuses to quit, but my bet is that these group meetings could have enabled Kristin and Jed to be married well enough today to choose marriage over a divorce that does not make them happy.
To consider: How dangerous is it to be wed to a Jed? How many failures will it take before couples everywhere learn to start marriage work early to save a marriage? If you and someone you love are having trouble communicating well, have a chat about looking into mental health help. You both might be really happy with the outcome.
To learn more about domestic violence, go to the State of New Jersey website, http://www.judiciary.state.nj.us/prose/index.htm. Locally, contact MaryBeth Hornig at 463-6604, Cape May Court House, Family Division Unit. Or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline (open 24 hours a day) at (800) 572-7233.
Dr. Judith Coche has worked with emotional abuse between family members. Find her at www.cochecenter.com. She is owner of The Coche Center, LLC, a practice in clinical psychology in Rittenhouse Square and Stone Harbor.