“After two divorces, I am so afraid of how I feel about David. He literally sweeps me off my feet. I am having fun and feel young and beautiful for the first time since I divorced Carl’s father six years ago. Can you help me figure out what to do with all this magic? I’m a goner and I know it. Now what do I do?”
The willowy Andrea looked petite under the mountain of wavy hair that formed a soft blonde halo around her finely boned face. Intelligent blue eyes looked intently at me from above her high cheekbones. The single mother of two handsome sons, she had careened from one poor choice of mates to the next, marrying each to try to prevent the need to further shop around. Her plan failed miserably as she realized that her mates were unable to respond to her highly tuned emotional sophistication, leaving her lonely. She finally divorced three times, vowing never again to couple.
Andrea backed into dating her biking buddy Dave because they shared deeply about their respective sons. As the chemistry between them took hold, she felt entranced by his very being. Small and wiry, balding and intense looking, David was “not my type” in March. But summer entered after the long winter of her single years, and she slid into a love so deep it shook her to her core. “Judith, you know me so well. Help! Do I leave this before I mess it up? How do I know if I am in love, and then what?”
Together we reviewed recent research collected by Dr. Theresa DiDonato on the signs of early love. If you wonder how intensely you are experiencing your summer love, ask yourself these questions:
1. I can’t stop thinking about this person. T/F
Love changes the brain. In early-stage relationships, that euphoria is induced by activity in the brain areas that pursue rewards and obsessive thinking. This activity lessens as the relationship matures.
2. I hope my family and friends like him/her. T/F
Research indicates that we are often driven to gain support from those we love to reassure them about a new love interest. Our circle of trusted people is valuable to us in our relationships.
3. I am thrilled when he/she achieves in areas of weakness for you. T/F
We get a bonus when we fall in love! The skills of a partner increase our own life skills: if your partner can build a house, you get a new house! We feel connected and can share the outcomes of each other’s successes so we feel pride and positive emotions our partners succeed rather than feeling jealous or inferior.
4. He/she and I like each other. T/F
Before we fall in love with someone, each partner likes the other. And we often evaluate the other person’s personality as highly desirable. We are not completely blind!
5. I really miss him/her when we are not together. T/F
How much people miss each other tends to correspond with how committed they feel to the relationship.
6. I am different than before I met him/her. T/F
When people fall in love, they take on new traits and characteristics because the new relationship partner brings us to use different parts of the self. The things you care about, your habits, how you spend your time—all areas influenced by a new love.
7. I can so easily feel jealous and worried about him/her. T/F
People who are jealous tend to be more committed to relationships, which is useful as long as the jealousy is managed by the partner and does not result in suspicious jealousy.
In questions 1-7 answering True indicates that you are in love.
Sandra scored 7 in the questions above. But we noted that David, unlike her ex-husbands, could invest in an emotionally rich future together. And he believed that the staying power of relationships takes mutual investment and commitment. If love provides passion, security and emotional comfort, commitment is the emotional grit to stay with a partner no matter what. They are working on both.
To Consider: How often have you fallen deeply in love? How did this experience change you as a person?
To Read: How Do You Know If You’re in Love?, June 2014. Theresa E. DiDonato, Ph.D. Psychology Today Blogs
Dr. Judith Coche will do a TEDx talk on October 19 on “Does Marriage Kill Love?” in Cape May. Find her online at www.cochecenter.com. She has Clinical Psychology offices at Rittenhouse Square and in Stone Harbor.
Wildwood – So Liberals here on spout off, here's a REAL question for you.
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