Tenured professors are not known for being idle dreamers. Driven by goals of excellence, they are famous for logical thought. So I paused when I read an email that began, “Judith, it is just amazing. Ever since Paul and I decided to fly to Stone Harbor to work with you, things are better be-tween us. We were arguing incessantly but we find we can give each other more slack, and we argue less. We are really looking forward to the Stone Harbor Couples Retreat. Paul remembers so many happy childhood summers there. “
As unlikely as it sounds, families do sometimes decide to fly some distance to do therapy work combined with time playing on our island. Discouraged after unsuccessful couples therapy, Karen had gone online in the Midwest and found the book recently published about my work, The Husbands and Wives Club: A Year in the Life of a Psychotherapy Group. She was fascinated by the descriptions of the marriages, and, as a professor of social work, she understands the power of psycho-therapy to transform lives.
She called to discuss her marriage, which she said is drooping under the weight of bickering and a complex mix of careers and kids. “Paul and I are constantly at each other. We are competing over who gets to pick the restaurant we go to, who has to pick up our two teen-age kids. I desperately want to bring the joy back into our lives. We used to camp, to sing and to laugh “
So after lengthy discussion, she and Paul decided to give themselves a 20th anniversary gift by journeying from their small university town for a marriage retreat. The anniversary gift they promised each other is a badly needed marital overhaul. They can begin while they are here and continue at home through local resources and phone coaching.
I was deeply moved by this power of hope in their marriage. Just by deciding to come, they found that their marriage was better. This defied logic since they would be incurring expenses and tolerating painful discussions. So why were they relieved and getting along better? I scrunched up my nose and began to ponder, “How does hope work?
And what exactly IS hope?”
For me, hope is a belief that there will be a positive outcome for the events and circumstances in our lives. It is the feeling that we can get what we want. Hope brings with it an expectation that un-certain events will indeed turn out for the best, even if the odds are against this outcome.
“How do our brains hope?” I asked husband John one morning. With a large career at the National Library of Medicine, John is a walking encyclopedia of infrequently quoted medical data. “Dunno” he said vaguely, “probably lots of parts of the nervous system involved…” And, of course he was correct.
The neuroanatomy of hope involves the hippocampus, the frontal lobes, and much more. But hope goes far beyond physical anatomy. It enters the realm of the human search for mean-ing, the realm of the spirit in us all. Dr. Scott Haig, Time Magazine (January 19, 2007), says, “The mind is a uniquely personal domain of thought, dreams and countless other things, like…well, faith and hope…
These fine things are as real as rocks and water but, like the mind, they are weightless and invisible, maybe even timeless. Material science shies from these things, calling them epiphenomena.” Further, Dr. Viktor Frankl states, “Those who know how close the connection is between the state of mind of a man – his courage and hope, or lack of them – and the state of immunity of his body will understand that the sudden loss of hope and courage can have a deadly effect.” And, by contrast, feeling hopeful can actually increase the likelihood of a favorable medical prognosis.
Karen and Paul are hopeful as they prepare to take charge of the future of their marriage. I salute them. Expecting nothing but the best, they are likely to renovate a marriage that has become painful to endure. By hoping for their future while working hard to repair a painful present, they should be able to turn the corner to a new era in their marriage. And wouldn’t that outcome make this little trip the journey of their dreams?
To consider: Which situation in my life do I feel hopeless about? How does my despair impact my ability to move forward on repairing it? How might I be able to work on this issue if I felt more hopeful?
To Read: Viktor Frankl. The Will to Meaning. 1997. New York: Pocket publishers.
(Coche of Stone Harbor educates the public in mental health issues. She can be reached at jmcoche@gmail.com or 215-859-1050.)
Cape May – Governor Murphy says he doesn't know anything about the drones and doesn't know what they are doing but he does know that they are not dangerous. Does anyone feel better now?
