Happy Begendings! An Opportunity for a New Year

“Nothing ever ends without something else beginning or begins without something else ending.” Rachel Remen, M.D. 
Every January is a begending for each of us. A begending is my word for a time when one thing ends and another begins. We end 2016 and begin 2017. The luxury of 365 days stretches ahead of each of us. What do I plan to make of 2017? What do you?
Each year at this time I am reminded of the death of my first marriage and the birth of my second marriage. Erich Henry Ernst Coche, Ph.D. was born on June 24, 1941. His first memory was of swallowing bomb dust when his tiny home village of Kleve was bombed during the Second World War. He was a tall, multi-lingual psychologist who broke into song and danced a mean polka, waltz or jitterbug. Erich was known to many Cape May County regulars as “Dr. Coche.” The Cape May County courthouse judges knew his psychological reports about custody to be both fair and hard to argue. But, just after New Year’s Day in 1991, Erich’s body gave in to cancer at age 49, just short of our 25th anniversary. This is the ending I remember around New Year’s Day.
As tragic as that memory was, it made room for one of the happiest memories of my lifetime, also on New Year’s Day.  On Jan. 1, 1994 at 4 p.m. in a ceremony we designed for depth and brevity, I married the CEO of biological abstracts, John Edward Anderson with our three late adolescent daughters as our bridesmaids. Each had differing shades of exquisite blond hair. Each had smiles as big as their faces. Each wore an outfit in creamy beige, chosen for this ceremony. This is the beginning of a New Year that stands out in my lifetime to date. The inevitable ending of one marriage created the joyous beginning of another. So New Years, for me, is indeed, a begending worth celebrating.
And each year since 2012, when my husband legally died three times and lived to joke about it, I celebrate the tiny moments in our marriage day after day. January marks the beginning of a new year together, a situation so unlikely that it is worth honoring. In 2012, I helped him survive a heart attack and subsequent multiple system failures, finally to return to fine health. This event has brought home what really matters. You. Me. Family. Friends. Pets. We are what really matters. Count on it. 
And, each year at this time I am reminded of the horrendous loss of a Rittenhouse Square family, whose young son lost his life around New Years in 2010 in a biking accident of nobody’s making. With everything to live for and talent oozing from his pores, he suddenly ceased to be a part of our world. Each year since the disastrous holiday, the family huddles together at New Years, sharing stories of how much he meant to each family member. Speaking recently with Jack, the father of the boy, I asked how Jack’s family manages the complex emotions that accompany each New Year’s Day.
What of 2013 does Jack bring into 2017? Which life lesson has been etched into his awareness by his son’s death? In my office, Jack answered carefully: “At first my wife and I saw no sense in the death. It served no purpose at all. Then I realized that perhaps I could contribute my time to a cause that would remind me of Sean and do some good for other boys. So I am now on the board of a local chapter of Big Brothers and it does my heart good to give my time to boys the age of my son just before he died.”
At this holiday season, I wish for Jack and his family that he contributes to the lives of others as a way to make sense out of the premature loss of a life worth living.
And you? Where can we find you as the New Year comes to pass? Is there a begending that you are celebrating? Then do. Life is too jagged to put off what really matters.
To consider: What has proven to be the impact of 2016 for you and what do you bring to the begending of 2017? Do you bring resolve, like Jack, to honor an intimate relationship above all else? Do you have others that complete your world when you are with them? If so, please resolve to hug those you love daily, and to walk with the wind on your back and a spring in your step. From me to each of you, Happy Begendings!
To read:  Rachel Remen. Kitchen Table Wisdom. New York: Riverhead. 1996
Find Dr. Coche working with individuals, families and couples in Stone Harbor and Center City Philadelphia.  Find older column entries from Coche and reach her through www.cochecenter.com.